"Wanna come and see a film?" ; "Only if it's in 2D. If it's in 3D, you can FLECK OFF" (Featuring Bob)

Twenty-four moons ago, I started this blog so I could pester Euan. After about two days, I thought it was a way I could try and make Euan famous and embarrass him. In the end, this has just been general news (all true) about Euan's life. So yeah, it hasn't changed much.
Today though people, in the way that Barack Obama couldn't, I am bringing you change. My dearest friend Bob and I have written a collaboration blog, because both of us think we're equally funny. We also both hate 3D and that is the subject of this post (see what I did there? clever aye? I pure love me). I hope you enjoy this (and if you don't stop reading, as it doesn't once mention nazis and Hitler (the stuff you like)). If you do enjoy it, why not gander over to Bob's blog and keep sniggering at our unstoppable idiocy. Thank you.

Bob

You've seen it on posters. You've seen it in the cinemas. You can see it in shops, on TVs, in pubs. You can see it in your children's eyes. I am talking of course, about the latest flashy fad to spew it's shiny processed guts over every movie.
I'm talking of course, about 3D.
Every decade has had it's gimmick to keep cinema goers happy; the 80's had montages (and briefly, 3D), the 90's had cheap CGI (and computer hackers. every 90's movie had a hacker in it somewhere), the 00's had better CGI, and now in 2010, we have 3D. Just like all these other fad's, 3D will become overused until we get bored of it. Why? Because cinema audiences are stupid and easily amused, and filmmakers are lazy. Why bother with decent plot structure, acting, character depth, or any sense of realism when you can instead distract the audience with a 3D super slow-motion explosion?

Myself

If normal explosions weren't good enough, it won't be long until spunky explosions in porn are also shot in 3D. I'm not sure if they've been made yet, if not they're definitely missing a messy treat. The reaction videos all over the world would be hilarious.
Boy falls asleep. Boys' friends put porn on 3D tele (which costs far too much for something originally designed in the 50s (it failed then, too)). Boy wakes up (I'm imagining drunk) to a muff lunging at his face. My favourite bit would be at the end, when he literally jumps behind the sofa, because he thinks he'll get spunked on. It'll be reminiscent of my mum hiding behind the sofa at the first ever showing of Dr Who, except nobody was waving a giant cock in her face and trying to spunk on her (eh grandad?).

Bob

Like an evil scientist resurrecting the dead for his own sexual purposes, 3D is now finding its way back through history, to re-release all your favourite movies. Back to the Future. In 3D! Star Wars. In 3D! Citizen Kane. In 3D! (one of these is a lie. I wished it was Star Wars). 3D is like a license to show repeats, an excuse to re-release some old movie the film company owns the rights to. Or in George Lucas' case, to squeeze some more money from the franchise.
And maybe even worse, sequels that should have never even been considered are now being released...in 3D! Who in their right mind would have made a Shrek 4? Oh but of course, if u add "3D" after the title, audiences will go see it anyway. It's like crack to these people. I'm positive that you could release a film just called "3D", and it would break all box office records. There is something very wrong with this craze, and what is even more terrifying is that I don't think I can understand it. And I've been trying, dammit.

Myself

I, on the other hand, think I've worked out why 3D is so successful at the moment. The average person is 5' 6", about ten stone, mixed sex and an idiot. To make it even worse, because the average person is stupid, it means that - by definition - 50% of people are more stupid than that.
Maybe you think we (the elite) are being elitist, but we're not at all. The argument for 3D is purely that "it's more immersive, aye?", but do films need to connect emotionally with their audiences any more than they already do? I cried watching Marley and Me; I'm not afraid to admit that. It didn't need to be in 3D for me to feel involved with the main characters. The main character didn't even need to be human and I still felt close to it and got the story on an emotional and immersive level.
In a world where everything has to be right in people's faces for idiots to understand, it makes sense for us to want to have films acted out around us, instead of in beautiful, conventional, 2D form. For the people who love 3D, let me introduce you to cinema's father; Theatre. It's really good, honest.

Bob

In case Paul didn't make it clear, that was a joke. theater was fine maybe before the Internet, but nowadays we have better ways to masturbate.
But I digress.
So what comes after 3D? when the cinema-going public eventually grow tired of this 3D trend, the film industry will fill the void with another flashy distraction. ultra HD? 4D? maybe even...better films? Because the sad truth is that Hollywood will always make films that give the public what they think they want. by this I mean that dumb, loud, flashy movies and phenomenons such as 3D will always be more popular and more likely to be made than intelligent well made films - just like the X-factor is more popular than The Sopranos, or how Big Brother was constantly renewed for countless seasons when Arrested Development was cancelled.

Myself

It's embarrassing that we live in a world in which we vote a 69 year old film (Citizen Kane) as the best film ever made. I am happy to admit it's an absolutely fantastic movie and one of my favourites, but it's still a sad indictment of our times that we have to look so far back for a movie that was truly amazing.
3D has brought us nothing and it never will. As Bob has just pointed out, maybe it's time to start making movies with a beautiful script, instead of trying to polish out a turd by slapping some 3D on it.

I just jokingly googled Avatar 2 and saw it's in pre-production. This world is a horrible place to live in. Perhaps our only salvation is for me and Bob to write a film - I just need to convince him his life and anus are 100% safe. And yeah, it's gonna be in 2D.

Fuck you James Cameron!