Cancer Porn.

Euan’s parents are avid pornography collectors. I always knew they were a fruity pair, having conceived Euan on a beach, but I learned just how much at the tender age of 12. Euan and I were just exploring the world of early puberty, discovering to the amazement of the other that we both had pubes and filthily raking through his parents DVD collection.

There is was, shining out at us, “Y Tu Mama Tambien” (I must apologise to the entire Spanish community… but get as real language which is easy to spell). This great story is one of a cancer ridden whore who travels to Mexico with her cousin and his best friend, sucking them off at every lay-by and getting screwed in every pub toilet that they find. At the end, they have a threesome, the guys feel guilty and never speak again, and she swims out to sea, leaving the viewer assuming that she dies. Oh, and you’re not supposed to know she had cancer till the end. It’s supposed to be an excuse for her being a whore. If it is, I really need to warn my poor mother, a woman who has dedicated at least the last four years to developing and modernising palliative care units in Scotland. My favourite bit of the movie was actually in the deleted scenes. For some reason, the directors thought it best to take out the bit where a fifteen-year-old girl gets fucked by a goat-man. Anyway, I hope that the quality of this movie now shows you just how weird some people’s parents are. Now think what yours are like.

Euan secretly loves me. I know he does. My suspicions were all proved truths when he got his new email address. His is “euan_menzies@hotmail.co.uk”. It doesn’t take a ridiculously keen eyes person to notice the similarities to my email address, “paul_mccallum@hotmail.co.uk” which I have had for 4 years now. Maybe you don’t all notice it. But when you consider that some of our friends have emails like “amadeo.unicorn”, “personalidiot”, “krazy_kit” and “shadowillumination”, I think it’s clear to see he loves me, or idolises me at best. Luckily for him, it’s mutual.