Sexual Drivel.

When better to blog than preparing for an impending, great party. So yeah, I’m at Max’s just now. Just started drinking and am listening to Renegades of Funk, by Rage Against The Machine (best band ever). So yeah, I feel quite amazing. I am properly washed and the little facial hair I have is just sparse enough to be almost exotic. I have never really felt much better. I am slightly tanned with my hair sitting like I want it. Anyway, I am sure you all know of my immense sexual nature. I know that some (none) of you have been ensnared by its raffish charm and beauty. But this is not just an ego trip for me, I have to tell the story of how drunk and pathetic Euan’s girlfriend’s friends can be.

So yeah, Euan’s house a few months ago, his brother was having a party and to be quite honest, I didn’t want to go home. So after a bit of pestering and convincing, I started making my way there. For one night, I would be the responsible adult. I was even being so responsible that Euan and Lisa left me to look after the kids – and Danny. So yeah, I was doing great, until the kids started drinking vodka behind my back. After God knows how much vodka (probably double what I can drink) they were all spewing, especially one girl who was like dead in the bath and spewing on herself. She annoyed me so much that I turned the shower on her. In the great words of the dodgy guy from Silence of the Lambs; “IT STOPS SPEWING OR IT GETS THE HOSE!!!” and well, she got the hose.

I was so fucking good to those kids. They got what they wanted, when they wanted. And just because of one little hiccough (me throwing fruit at them and forcing unconscious people under the shower) I am the big baddy. Not fair if you ask me, but that’s life and Euan’s hypocrisy. He leaves me sober looking after them and they start spewing everywhere, just because he wants some quiet time with Lisa. And yeah, he’ll deny he wanted quiet time with her, but who the fuck
takes one hour and fourty minutes to drive the five miles to Tesco and back?

So yeah, Euan got back and everything went smoothly.

You know what I love? That Euan has always lived in the same house. I know where everything is. I truly do. It’s such a great feeling. I am sure you all know what I mean and have a friends like that, though.

Anyway, party hasn’t started and I can already feel the two beers affecting me. It’s time I went and did some tidying in preparation to help Max.

Wish me luck. And Iain…. you know xD!