The Iain Chronicle.

Even although this blog(g) will always be dedicated to my one true love, Euan Menzies, I think it not fair to only reveal many in depth and utterly true stories about his life. So as a sorry of subtext to his (Or more importantly, MY) life, I will regale you with tales of my other friends.


Vegetarian.

How can I start to describe my dearest friend Iain MacKinnon? Some would say he is a lovely chap, and yes, if you had ever gone out with him, I am sure that is all you could say. Iain is a great boyfriend. He truly is. Maybe not everyone of his relations or conquests does not end successfully, but he really is one of those one in a million guys who’ll do anything for his partner (ever to the detriment of his best friends). As a good introductory story to this morally negotiable boy, I will tell you the story of his first day being a vegetarian.

It was a cloudy day in the April holidays of 2007. Iain and I were out and about in Monifieth (yes, walking. I know. It’s hard to believe now, but I remember a day when we walked places instead of driving. Iain and Mhairi both forced me to drive to the Dominoes delivery beside Iain’s house once. It is a two minute walk or a five minute drive, but because they were doing me the favour by letting us all “have a seat”, it was my car we were forced into. Robbie then did the same the next week… am I too nice to them or what?) and I believe Danny was there too, even if Iain doesn’t recall him. We decided we were all hungry, so we made our way to the Tesco/Petrol station. It was at this time that Iain announced to the world, like Martin Luther King standing in front of all of his followers and changing the world; “From this day on, if there ever is an alternative I will try to only eat vegetarian food.” I was quite pleased with him, as we walked discussing the advantages of cheaper health insurance and food costs in general.

We arrived and straight away I ran to the sandwiches, quickly choosing and egg and cress one to fill surpress my hunger (I probably had a lot more food, too. I am always buying food I don’t want. Just today my Dad found three pieces of caramel shortbread in my car. Why? I wanted one, but somehow convinced myself that four would be cheaper). Iain scurried guilty to the reduced section as he often does due to lack of funds. I was still beaming and proud of him inside. We all made our way to the till individually and met up outside. Iain walked up; “Genius, reduced food is the best.” I peered into his little bag to see, oh yes, and this is all true, twenty scotch eggs. (For those who don’t know. They’re little eggs filled with pork covered in breadcrumbs.) When questioned, he laughed in his sarcastic way and said; “scotch EGGS. Eggs aren’t meat: They’re eggs” As I protested he just laughed. Sometimes he even peeled all the egg off and just ate the pork to annoy me. What a great start to his new life as a vegetarian.

Since that day, I think more to annoy me than anything else, Iain has been as great vegetarian. He always reads the back of packets to see if they are suitable and condemns me for not doing it, but then again, and this is the last time I will say it; I do not claim to be a vegetarian. IF I ever have said that I am a vegetarian, it is because I cannot be bothered speaking to you or explaining that I still eat fish because, as the smallest male in my family for the last 4 generations, I still hope I will have an amazing growth spurt one day, and that the protein I get from fish will definitely increase those chances. Even now that you have a slight explanation, I still know that somebody will stupidly and annoyingly say “you get protein from vegetables as well”, but I am not taking any chances. If I never grow any taller than this, I at least want to know that I tried.

Ultimately, Iain is great. I do love him, even although in the last month alone he has changed my default picture on my Mac to a very incapacitated picture of himself; sprayed hair moose all over my car; accepted my generosity in buying him a pint, but then said I never do anything for him because I didn’t think I could give him a lift home; laughed and made a situation awkward around a girl I like; said he’d go the to the picture with me to see Wanted and then went with somebody else AND put the brakes on my wheelchair on, really confusing Fiona the whole way around Tesco for like 10 minutes. But yeah, wouldn’t change that lanky, ginger, piercing loving weirdo at all.