As I sit here in a pool of linguistic jelly and alcohol-withdrawl-emmiting residue, I am inclined to divulge into some of greater depths of my being, but to also release some incredibly pompous, nonsensical lexical diarrhoea.

So, as a spring-board to propel this nonsense I will start with the most recent problem Euan and I have had, and why it is all Iain’s fault.

So, I’m in town with Iain, Catherine and Sarah (wonderful woman :P) and we’re trying to get me an iPhone. (Long story short, I have it and would be typing all over its glorious body right now, had I the patience to use the tiny touch keyboard, with my less than dainty thumbs.) As I leave the God forsaken shop, Iain tells me that Euan just passed the shop with Kirsty and that they had avoided me deliberately. So yeah, I am peeved to say the least. So I text Euan confessing my love to him and saying how much he doesn’t love me anymore. I go home that night both annoyed and aroused, as I usually am.

Anywho whatnot and henceforth, I got a text from Euan today saying that his phone was off, so he hadn’t been able to text me for a few days. Also, he and his girlfriend Rachel (not Kirsty, no, not Kirky at all) were already in a rush to meet somebody AND didn’t want to interrupt me during my happiest moment yet – getting my iPhone.

What can I say, Euan is a great guy. And Iain; well, the jury is still out on him, and because of his recent spate of rapes and murders, they may be a while.

Yours Sincerely,
Paul’s Ego Club.

PS: I am starting a campaign to get Euan to turn his phone on more often. If you see him, shout at him for it. If we get him to turn it on, then I can phone him more often and these bloggs can become more and more frequent.

Best argument of my holiday.

So me and my cousin were sitting two nights ago, while on holiday near Aviemore. The argument (I'd say discussion, but that would imply some thought on his behalf, EVER.) finally made it's way onto "the worst disney character ever". I argued powerfully for the charater that Bruce Willis plays in "The Kid", but still remain the only one that thinks he's a cunt. So then it was my cousin's turn;

Mark; "Mandy, the deer"
Me; "Mandy? :P Don't you mean Bambi?"
Mark; "Yeah, Bambi. The one what's Mum got shooted at for ivory."

What can I say? He trully is a ginger vine creeping around near - but definitely independantly of - my family tree.

Mhairi...

... you know xD You've always known :P... even MORE than Iain, 'cause your special :D:D:D

Now plan a trip to Aviemore :P.... love oooooo :P

xXx

So, I’m drunk. Thjis typing nonsense is getting on my tits so I wont correct my spelling. But then again, I’m nit doing to badly xD
So yeah, on holiday with rthe whole family… we went cycling for 4 hours and th had a few pints and I am DRUNK :P I just went swimming and was so close to drowning xd

I’m happy, though xD there is a GIRL :O and yeah, O genuinely like her :O… Iain, you know :P… but still, yeah… a girl person that makes me happy xD…. Hahahahaha, I love the irony, if there is any xD

Sincerely yours,
a shite film reference that only Iain gets xd

xxxxxxxxx – you know wgo you are xD

Sexual Drivel.

When better to blog than preparing for an impending, great party. So yeah, I’m at Max’s just now. Just started drinking and am listening to Renegades of Funk, by Rage Against The Machine (best band ever). So yeah, I feel quite amazing. I am properly washed and the little facial hair I have is just sparse enough to be almost exotic. I have never really felt much better. I am slightly tanned with my hair sitting like I want it. Anyway, I am sure you all know of my immense sexual nature. I know that some (none) of you have been ensnared by its raffish charm and beauty. But this is not just an ego trip for me, I have to tell the story of how drunk and pathetic Euan’s girlfriend’s friends can be.

So yeah, Euan’s house a few months ago, his brother was having a party and to be quite honest, I didn’t want to go home. So after a bit of pestering and convincing, I started making my way there. For one night, I would be the responsible adult. I was even being so responsible that Euan and Lisa left me to look after the kids – and Danny. So yeah, I was doing great, until the kids started drinking vodka behind my back. After God knows how much vodka (probably double what I can drink) they were all spewing, especially one girl who was like dead in the bath and spewing on herself. She annoyed me so much that I turned the shower on her. In the great words of the dodgy guy from Silence of the Lambs; “IT STOPS SPEWING OR IT GETS THE HOSE!!!” and well, she got the hose.

I was so fucking good to those kids. They got what they wanted, when they wanted. And just because of one little hiccough (me throwing fruit at them and forcing unconscious people under the shower) I am the big baddy. Not fair if you ask me, but that’s life and Euan’s hypocrisy. He leaves me sober looking after them and they start spewing everywhere, just because he wants some quiet time with Lisa. And yeah, he’ll deny he wanted quiet time with her, but who the fuck
takes one hour and fourty minutes to drive the five miles to Tesco and back?

So yeah, Euan got back and everything went smoothly.

You know what I love? That Euan has always lived in the same house. I know where everything is. I truly do. It’s such a great feeling. I am sure you all know what I mean and have a friends like that, though.

Anyway, party hasn’t started and I can already feel the two beers affecting me. It’s time I went and did some tidying in preparation to help Max.

Wish me luck. And Iain…. you know xD!

Up. Get. Bothered. Be.

The Iain Chronicle.

Even although this blog(g) will always be dedicated to my one true love, Euan Menzies, I think it not fair to only reveal many in depth and utterly true stories about his life. So as a sorry of subtext to his (Or more importantly, MY) life, I will regale you with tales of my other friends.


Vegetarian.

How can I start to describe my dearest friend Iain MacKinnon? Some would say he is a lovely chap, and yes, if you had ever gone out with him, I am sure that is all you could say. Iain is a great boyfriend. He truly is. Maybe not everyone of his relations or conquests does not end successfully, but he really is one of those one in a million guys who’ll do anything for his partner (ever to the detriment of his best friends). As a good introductory story to this morally negotiable boy, I will tell you the story of his first day being a vegetarian.

It was a cloudy day in the April holidays of 2007. Iain and I were out and about in Monifieth (yes, walking. I know. It’s hard to believe now, but I remember a day when we walked places instead of driving. Iain and Mhairi both forced me to drive to the Dominoes delivery beside Iain’s house once. It is a two minute walk or a five minute drive, but because they were doing me the favour by letting us all “have a seat”, it was my car we were forced into. Robbie then did the same the next week… am I too nice to them or what?) and I believe Danny was there too, even if Iain doesn’t recall him. We decided we were all hungry, so we made our way to the Tesco/Petrol station. It was at this time that Iain announced to the world, like Martin Luther King standing in front of all of his followers and changing the world; “From this day on, if there ever is an alternative I will try to only eat vegetarian food.” I was quite pleased with him, as we walked discussing the advantages of cheaper health insurance and food costs in general.

We arrived and straight away I ran to the sandwiches, quickly choosing and egg and cress one to fill surpress my hunger (I probably had a lot more food, too. I am always buying food I don’t want. Just today my Dad found three pieces of caramel shortbread in my car. Why? I wanted one, but somehow convinced myself that four would be cheaper). Iain scurried guilty to the reduced section as he often does due to lack of funds. I was still beaming and proud of him inside. We all made our way to the till individually and met up outside. Iain walked up; “Genius, reduced food is the best.” I peered into his little bag to see, oh yes, and this is all true, twenty scotch eggs. (For those who don’t know. They’re little eggs filled with pork covered in breadcrumbs.) When questioned, he laughed in his sarcastic way and said; “scotch EGGS. Eggs aren’t meat: They’re eggs” As I protested he just laughed. Sometimes he even peeled all the egg off and just ate the pork to annoy me. What a great start to his new life as a vegetarian.

Since that day, I think more to annoy me than anything else, Iain has been as great vegetarian. He always reads the back of packets to see if they are suitable and condemns me for not doing it, but then again, and this is the last time I will say it; I do not claim to be a vegetarian. IF I ever have said that I am a vegetarian, it is because I cannot be bothered speaking to you or explaining that I still eat fish because, as the smallest male in my family for the last 4 generations, I still hope I will have an amazing growth spurt one day, and that the protein I get from fish will definitely increase those chances. Even now that you have a slight explanation, I still know that somebody will stupidly and annoyingly say “you get protein from vegetables as well”, but I am not taking any chances. If I never grow any taller than this, I at least want to know that I tried.

Ultimately, Iain is great. I do love him, even although in the last month alone he has changed my default picture on my Mac to a very incapacitated picture of himself; sprayed hair moose all over my car; accepted my generosity in buying him a pint, but then said I never do anything for him because I didn’t think I could give him a lift home; laughed and made a situation awkward around a girl I like; said he’d go the to the picture with me to see Wanted and then went with somebody else AND put the brakes on my wheelchair on, really confusing Fiona the whole way around Tesco for like 10 minutes. But yeah, wouldn’t change that lanky, ginger, piercing loving weirdo at all.