Another Amazing Excerpt from Bob.

Sherlock and Watson. Batman and Robin. Cheese and Ham. Euan and Paul Their story is almost impossible to tell, but I, Daniel "Bob" Taylor, will try. Many have tried to pen this epic biography, many have failed. Using my unique insight into their passage through history, I hereby present the second excerpt from my upcoming tome "Euan and Paul: Love and Hate". If you hark back to chapter 5, we last left the seemingly immortal duo in the aftermath of the Vietnam War. Here we will venture slightly farther back in time to an event not unlike the big bang - The meeting of Euan and Paul.

Taken from Chapter 1 - Two Become One

Saqquara, Ancient Egypt, 132 BC

Paul cracked the whip, the leather snapping wickedly in the unbearable desert sun. I stared on, helpless. I daren't disapprove of what I saw here, but I was The Pharaoh's right hand man. I had to say something.
"Paul" I called quietly "May I have a word?"
He rounded on me, his eyes glinting with an immortal fire, his golden headwear reflecting his glorious rage. He was stinking drunk on power, and it was my duty to sober him up.
"What!?" he sneered. I took a breath, and whispered, so the guards couldn't hear our disagreement.
"Pharaoh, you are needlessly mistreating the slaves. Will this really make them work harder?"
He looked at me, and tilted his head quizzically. Dripping with contempt and sarcasm, he asked,
"Remind me Daniel, who's Pharaoh? I might be wrong, but I could have sworn to the gods that it was me. But that couldn't be right, could it?"
I bowed my head, sighing.
"I'm sorry Pharaoh". I bit my tongue. Trouble was going to come of this, but I had tried.

That trouble came in the form of a slave, but a slave like no other. As he steadily and purposefully climbed the many stairs to Pharaoh Pauls throne, I sensed danger. It was like the sun rising, a great light shining down and dispelling the shadows of Paul's existence. Somewhere a crow called thrice, and the ground cracked. The slave finally reached Pharaoh's throne room, and stood tall. He wasn't a remarkable man, but carried himself with the presence of a giant, as if he was sent here by a higher power. As the world turned, and Pharaoh's gaze met this slave's piercing eyes, there was silence. Time stopped, as if the cosmos itself was holding its breath. He spoke.

"Pharaoh, I come to represent the slaves, and all that is good in the world. I have an ultimatum for you, and all the evil of the world that you represent. My name, is Euan"

Lightning flashed in the distance, despite it being a bright sunny day. It was as if at this moment, time itself knew that it was about to be written in stone. Yin and yang, good and evil, dark and light, had met at last. The unstoppable force was staring at the unmovable object, and Paul was speechless.

Myself and the guards were on the edge of our stone seats. The Pharaoh was wearing a look on his face that we had never seen. It seemed like...fear. No not fear, more like a dawning realization, like a man finding his reflection. He found his voice.
"Pray tell, slave Euan", he spoke "What is your ultimatum?"

Euan drew breath as a messiah would summon the power of the heavens. and pointed his finger at Pharaoh, like a lightning bolt of justice. His voice boomed across the land, shaking birds from the trees.
"PHARAOH!" he roared, pausing for dramatic effect, "LET MY PEOPLE GO!"

We looked back at Paul, awaiting his response with bated breath. No-one spoke like that to the Pharaoh.
He was smiling. He stood, without a word, and stared inexplicably at the sky. He started mumbling a series of words none of us understood, and before our eyes he transformed, growing many feet above us. As we stood back in terror, Euan nodded, as if resigned to this, and muttered his own spell. They both grew at a tremendous rate, until they were towering over the work camp, like fabled monsters, giant versions of themselves. They dwarfed the unfinished pyramid, the desert cracking beneath their feet, their footsteps shaking the continents. We were like ants to them. As Euan bowed to Paul in preparation of the battle, high above us, the Pharaoh lowered himself into a battle crouch, screaming fire. They clashed, and the world shook.

* * *

I looked around, at the smoking craters of what had once been the flat Egyptian desert. There was no living being, no living thing, for miles around. They had shifted continents. I walked through the broken landscape, until I came upon two figures, close together, huddled in a gigantic crater. The moon could have sat comfortably inside. In the hours it took me to make my way down to the bottom, I sensed I was nearing the centre of the earth itself. Maybe I was. As I finally stood before the two, I realised that it was Euan and Paul themselves, returned to their normal form. Covered in the grime and stench of a two man near-apocalypse, they were nestled in each others arms. I stared, dumbfounded. Paul blinked his eyes open, looking over at Euan, exhausted. Euan peered back at him.
"I have a strange feeling that we are destined to do this forever, you and I" Paul spoke. He was no Pharaoh anymore. Euan nodded slowly, relieved.
"Friends?" he asked tentatively. Paul nodded, a rare genuine smile breaking across his face.
"Friends"
To do the moment justice, I silently started masturbating. It seemed like the right thing to do.

Chapter 1

My shout pierced through the screams from bullets drilling through the air beside my head. I couldn’t believe that he’d gone over the top. He was such a pacifist. What could have compelled him to such madness? Perhaps it was just that; madness.

When Niall hadn’t turned up for role call that morning, his suppressed emotions had almost boiled over. Why did it take staring into the face of Death for Euan to emote?

I listened as if I’d never listened before and knew that Euan would find it ironic. He never thought that I listened or cared, but I knew more about Final Fantasy Seven and love eggs that I cared to remember.

Through the screaming and silence I heard him. From much experience I knew he’d fallen, but it wasn’t his clumsiness this time, it was much worse.

After a second of doubt and a minute of adjusting my hat, I went over the top. I saw him. I ran. I jumped. I landed on him.

“I wont leave you” I said through tears.
“just go” he said, braver than I’d ever seen him before.
“you’re going to be fine”
“I know, because we’re together”

His showing of emotions was more than I could take. I kissed him passionately and felt every individual bump on his tongue.

BOOM!

We were never seen again; until role call the next day – where our story begins.

Euan's Work

Euan's work is dead, according to Euan. In commemoration, I'm wearing a poppy. Everyone else on the street seems to be doing same.

Let's show our support by giving him words of support on his facebook wall.

Poor Euan!

Pig Trotters

Best day ever. Some people have said that I am in love with control; and to be honest I have no evidence for the contrary. I like to be in charge of when Euan sleeps, by making a lot of noise. I like to be in charge of when Euan has sex by telling women he likes that he has diseases and for the first time ever, I have experienced the joy of controlling what he eats.

We had a dinner party at Jess' flat the other day. After much deliberation, me and Jess' mum decided to cook Chinese food. I'm not great at cooking Chinese food, so it was a good experience for life.

The best idea I've ever had was in the Chinese supermarket. I decided that it would be funny to cook Euan and Iain something that they've never had before. When I saw the pigs trotters, I truly realised my dream. I bought the trotters (£1.82 for 4!) and boiled them in stock for 4 hours. The meat all fell off of the bone (as well as the cartilage and the ming) and then I fed it to Euan and Iain. Iain enjoyed it, of course, and Euan really liked it until I got the last uncooked trotter out and tried to make him and Iain lick it.

Usually here I would make something up along the lines of;

So Euan had pig trotter and he says it's now his favourite food. He has written a shopping list and is going to buy 10 trotters tomorrow. I told him that they only come in packs on 4, so he says he'll buy 3 packs (12 feet) and throw two away. Euan hates things when they're not in multiples of ten. At night he has to turn his light on and off ten times, or he can't sleep. On the subject of sleeping, Euan counts pigs instead of sheep at night and none of the pigs have feet; what a pervert. I bet he masturbates to sleep imagining the pigs feet running around in his tummy.

; but I wont this time, because the truth is far more funny. I made Euan eat pigs feet and I've never been happier.

ps; be careful around Iain; we're worried he might have mad horse disease now.

I hate Movember.

So November is here and unlike every other year, it’s not just the puntualoty of Christmas decorations that people are talking about. Yes they are up too early; but they have been up pretty early for as long as I can remember, so why the moaning?

The term “Christmas is getting earlier” pisses me off more than anything. Honestly, it’s not. It’s been on the 25th of December for about 2010 years now, so fucking deal with it.

Anyway. This post is about the latest phenomenon that’s annoying me; Movember;

“oh, let’s all grow moustaches for charity”

HOW IS IT FOR CHARITY? I’ve seen a lot of people’s pathetic excuse for a bit of lipmuff (the new official term) and out of them, only one has set up a JustGiving account; only one of them is doing it for charity. The rest of us – and I include myself – are doing it for ourselves. I want to see if I can grow a moustache. I’m not saying it’s for Movember, because it’s for me.

After four days of attempted facial hair, I’m doing very well. I have a moustache and know I can’t grow a beard. There is something that is disturbing me, though.

Why is having a moustache and a dirty (pathetically patchy and hairless) face different from just a moustache? I’m struggling to shave the rest off. If I just leave it the way it is, I can pretend I’ve just forgotten to shave; like most of the time.

By shaving off the ‘beard’ I’m admitting that I’ve given into this vain masculinity contest and that some people are better at looking like they’re from the 40s than me, because that’s what we all look like; men from the past… and the past isn’t a good place: remember the plague? I do. Horrible ordeal.

Blossoming Love

One of my favourite moments with Euan. He loves it, too, as you can see!

Ginger Toddler

So, Euan has done it again. Not only has he insulted somebody in broad day light, but he's made a toddler cry, run away and almost get run over. I've told him before; if he wants to insult people, wait until it's dark, follow them up alleyways and shout abuse at them while waving his willy, but does he listen? Does he fuck. He just saunters up to people in the Overgate, arrogant as the day he was born and abuses them. Well I've had enough.

Anyway...here is the latest episode in Euan's abusive life.

Euan and I were walking up the escalator beside new look in the Overgate (I know what you're thinking already. Who walks up escalators? Well, there's your answer - Euan does. He has that thing that those fainting goats/cats have (i.e. he faints a lot when he stands still). We got to the top of the moving stairs and he started to run towards this poor teenager mother (slag) and her ginger child. He walked right up and picked the child out the pram. The woman was screaming a lot, but he calmed her down. Then he shouted “WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO THIS BABY?”. The woman was terrified and the baby even more so.
“pardon?” she politely answered
“Have you been making this baby run a marathon?” he said slightly more calmly.
“No…”
“THEN WHY IS IT SO RED IN THE HAIR? HAAAAAAAAA” then he dropped the baby and ran away. I’ve not seen him since, so if you see him just tell him he’s a naughty boy.

He’ll probably pretend he’s forgotten about it or that it didn’t happen, so I say we post “ginger toddler” on his facebook page.

Love Paul (your real Mum)!