Squashed Toffee

Euan and I were in a lift recently. It was awkward just the two of us, and then on the fourth floor (we were going down (not like that)) two young freshers got on the lift. Euan turned to me and was all; “You know? Aye? Aye?” I was like; “not a fucking clue”. Then he said something to me that I’ll never forget, because I can’t, because it’s seared in my mind; “All girls love a squashed toffee”.
If you’re as lost as me, post the words “Squashed toffee” on his facebook wall.

Euan's New Nickname

Euan "I blow out the candle" Menzies.

Euan's Haiku.

I woke up today and went for a shower. When I got out of the shower I realised that Euan had either been standing listening to me shower, while having a wank, or had snuck a haiku under the door. When I awoke from my hysterical wank oriented stupor, I found a wee haiku written on a bit of bog roll and pushed under the door.

When I was a child,
The world was a better place.
Now it's not as good.

He is so good at poetry, that crazy wee fucker.

I know what you did.

Rat Boy

A month ago if somebody had asked me what animal Euan would be, if he were in fact an animal, I would have said something majestic. Something with a special French word that means “good stuff”. Perchance a lion… or a manatee, both equally elegant and powerful in their own ways.

But now, NOW! To quote SS Hans Landa, of ‘Inglourious Basterds’ fame; “he has the qualities of the rat.” He is sneaky, deceitful and wont stop biting passers by. I am serious. There was a Courier headline on a stand outside our local shop (Paki shop, for those racists among you) that read, “Nethergate Nipple Gnasher Strikes Again.” I know it doesn’t explicitly say that it was Euan, but it’s obvious to anybody who’s been around him recently. He is constantly darting back and forward from room to room; he is hiding food in his sock drawer so that “freegans don’t steal it”, whatever that means and he’s got women around. Not one woman, women, like the plural, as in more than one.

The boy is unstoppable. He smells like testosterone just now and I am sure I spied a hair on his chinny chin chin. If pregnancy rates have risen in the west end of Dundee, it’s because of him.

Euan have also requested that I ask if anybody out there with “especially big nipples” could pester him on facebook, he’d love it.

In fact, that is our new mission! All of the Euanites out there need to unite with me in our quest to pester Euan. We’ll start off small. If you read this and want to be part of this noble quest, then go onto Euan’s facebook and leave the comment; “I know what you did.” I will then send further instructions!

Be prepared my friends. The revolution is nigh!

Camden Town

Euan wrote a wee poem about my experience in Camden Town

Camden Town

One hundred thousand overlapping

feet that never miss,

the cold cobbles and layer

of ash, which exudes bohemian liberation.

The Hawley Arms so tall and

Proud;

A statement of intent.

Spitting and Beauty

So (as is tradition), Euan's life has been uplifting of late. He is getting better. At what you say? At life, I proclaim.

He has booked a flight and is going to Thailand to see Rachel soon. I am excited for him and am supporting him in everything... except (as is customary) in one thing. Euan has developed a new nervous twitch; as if he didn't have a hard enough time with that weird eye of his. This nervous twitch is almost tourettes like. Whenever you mention Thailand, stray dogs or anything foreign, Euan spits on the carpet. My living room has turned into a paradise for bacteria, a weird fertile womb for the amoeba in Euan's life, so to speak. It's disgusting and it's got to stop. I say we start a facebook campaign against him.

Also, STV... "It's never too late"? What the hell.

On the day that I burn my own face (I know), Euan is looking better than ever. His hair is sitting beautifully; his nose is looking better again and his sperm count is up (I would imagine (it's been so long, his testicals must be buzzing with virility)).

Euan did a really cute thing today. He searched for games online that he thought I'd like. Then he searched for another hour to find the cheapest games available and emailed me all of the links. It makes me really happy to know that he loves me like this. Then again, I'll definitely be locking my bedroom door at nights.

The Sin Of A Thousand

Euan carries guilt and sin that none of us can understand. I would say he doesn't deserve it, but he just said; "get back to your fucking country. Get back to Istanbul... I bet you're not even from Istanbul". This could be taken seriously and classes as racist, if he wasn't just saying it to himself. I worry for him. He is in his own country and he feels guilty for it.

He also says he feels guilty because I once had a chat with his girlfriend and now he thinks he has to chat to my girlfriend all the time. Not that he doesn't love her.

I stopped speaking and Euan said all of this; "I'm sorry I have to tell you this when I'm drunk. This fucking stuff hurts my lips to fuck. What salad and sauce? LOL. I might be drunk. Owwwww. Too true." - and now you see where I get my material from.

Euan has a new fetish. Hotel lounges. He just told me that he thinks that they should hand out martinis at the door, because it would encourage sex. He specified that he wants to have sex in the lounge. I don't see the fascination. I think it's because he is nervous about sex and having it infront of so many people would encourage him. Even if somebody shouted encouragement at somebody else, he could pretend it was for him. Even if it wasn't his name used;

Stanger ; "nice power strokes there, Dave"
Euan; "THANK YOU"
Stranger; "Who are you? Dave is black"

etc, etc.

I saw him naked the other day... I say that, I felt him naked. He had a discussion today with my girlfriend about the fact that I've never seen him naked. She says that he sounded disappointed.

Euan saved Iain's hallway today. Jodie was about to spew and he (with the combined force of the one and only Lisa Stoat) grabbed her by the hair and threw her into the toilet. She aimed for the toilet and somehow managed to be sick on her own hands...she was holding her own hair back and still managed to spew on her hands. That is disgusting. Euan Menzies gave this short statement;

"I don't know why I helped her. I wanted to see that idiot spew all over the breakfast bar"

You live and you learn.

Variety is a spice best served cold. Discuss?

Anyway, you have your homework, so I will return later.

Euan's favourite show;

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oVVgd2XNqGY

- Paul
"Lying in the gutter, but looking up your skirt"