Rat Boy

A month ago if somebody had asked me what animal Euan would be, if he were in fact an animal, I would have said something majestic. Something with a special French word that means “good stuff”. Perchance a lion… or a manatee, both equally elegant and powerful in their own ways.

But now, NOW! To quote SS Hans Landa, of ‘Inglourious Basterds’ fame; “he has the qualities of the rat.” He is sneaky, deceitful and wont stop biting passers by. I am serious. There was a Courier headline on a stand outside our local shop (Paki shop, for those racists among you) that read, “Nethergate Nipple Gnasher Strikes Again.” I know it doesn’t explicitly say that it was Euan, but it’s obvious to anybody who’s been around him recently. He is constantly darting back and forward from room to room; he is hiding food in his sock drawer so that “freegans don’t steal it”, whatever that means and he’s got women around. Not one woman, women, like the plural, as in more than one.

The boy is unstoppable. He smells like testosterone just now and I am sure I spied a hair on his chinny chin chin. If pregnancy rates have risen in the west end of Dundee, it’s because of him.

Euan have also requested that I ask if anybody out there with “especially big nipples” could pester him on facebook, he’d love it.

In fact, that is our new mission! All of the Euanites out there need to unite with me in our quest to pester Euan. We’ll start off small. If you read this and want to be part of this noble quest, then go onto Euan’s facebook and leave the comment; “I know what you did.” I will then send further instructions!

Be prepared my friends. The revolution is nigh!