Moving Home.

Oi. Fuckheads.

I did start with "ladies and gentlemen", but then I changed it. I know which you prefer.

So yeah. We're moving home. The fact that Euan bummed Aslan is no longer something that is lingering in the public memory. They have something else to worry about now. Something much bigger and scarier. Euan once bummed Aslan, but now it's time for Aslan's revenge.

If anybody wants to come and visit our new home at LTWW, I'll be more than happy to open the door for you.

Thanks to everybody who read any of these words. They've made me realise what I want to do with my life.

My biggest thanks has to go out to the man himself though. The long haired, pudgy faced freak that he is; Mr Euan "dead behind the eyes" Menzies.

Good night. I'll hopefully see you all soon.

Farewell stats

Page views; 3794

Days active; 939

I'm Ill

So this my 100^th post. It’s long overdue if you ask me. I mean, it’s not going to be the 100 post special, but it is the 100^th post. I want to say; I hope you understand, but I’m sure you do. If you don’t understand, here’s something that you might find more amusing; something more fitting to one of your intellect.

Now that we’ve got that out of the way. I’m ill. I don’t ever like to moan about being ill, but I do. I often do things I don’t like, though. Such as ironing (I haven’t ironed any clothes for like a year) and reading about celebrities. You just can’t help yourself sometimes, though. You get to work and there’s nothing to read apart from a 4-page spread about Jordan (the slag)’s latest attempt at spreading her genes. She failed the first time, you think she’s learn by now. Like a dyspraxic Midus, everything she touches turns to shit. Which brings me round to my headache; I sometimes dream that she sneaks into my room and massages my brain. It’s not sexual (it is), but it’s still nice.

I don’t even know what I’m talking about, but such is the joy of illness. You don’t need to make sense. If I had said any of this stuff 60-years-ago, I would have been locked up and given electro shock treatment.

Euan was given electro shock treatment once. They were attempting to give him emotions, but we all know well that went.

Dear Tesco,

I don’t know any better way to start this blog, other than; I fucking hate Tesco. Now I know that you may call me a hypocrite, because I still shop at Tesco, but people do things they hate every day out of necessity. Oscar Wilde stayed in a marriage for years, because if he left his wife, it would be obvious that he was gay. It doesn’t mean that he was a hypocrite; it just shows that necessity sometimes outweighs ideology.

I am a student and don’t have what the middle aged, middle classed and middle management call “disposable income”, because of this I have to buy my wares at a shop with more “buy one get one free” offers than anywhere else. I can accept that. I know that the second I start earning some real money in life, I will stop shopping at that detritus-filled, building of the damned.

2010 was not a good year for Tesco. Comedian and self confessed ‘prick’ Ray Peacock led an attack on Tesco through his hilarious podcast with his mate Ed Gamble (who also claims to be a comedian, but the judges are still out on that).

Last year, Tesco sold knifes and fireworks, but threw people out of their shops for having hoods. They sold alcohol that definitely killed people, but they dragged a young disabled boy out of his wheelchair, because his Mum gave him a bit of chicken to keep him quiet while she shopped.

This is just a glimpse of how shit Tesco are.

ANYWAY. This all seems too serious. Here is my problem with Tesco;

They are shite.

Yesterday I popped into Tesco to get some food (potato waffles, etc). I got to the self service counter, which pisses me off on a whole new level. I can’t even start to understand how they are getting away with that. To save money, they’ve hired machines to do peoples’ jobs. In out current economic climate, how can that be fair? There’re not enough jobs as it is so how can giving computers our jobs help? I just want to kick Henry in the face; fucking smug excuse for a dyson.

So I got to the self service, because there were no people other than an old bitch working. I say she was working. She was doing that thing that they do at Tesco. She was in charge of the machines (I hope they go Terminator on her one day) and by in charge, I mean that she walked about and had to tell them off every 30 seconds. For computers, they are shit computers. They don’t do what you tell them. You scan an item, you sit it on the scales and then it bleeps and tells you that you’re committing some kind of Tesco crime. It assumes that you’re constantly trying to steal and cheat the system.

I scanned my first item. I sat it on the scales. BEEP BEEP BEEP. The old woman tutted, walked over and waved a fob at the computer screen. I smiled and laughed and she ignored me and walked away. I scanned my second item. I sat it on the scales. BEEP BEEP BEEP. She walked over, tutted and shook her head and waved her fob at the screen. I again smiled and she walked away. I scanned my third item. I sat it on the scales. BEEP BEEP BEEP TUTTING. You get the idea.

This happened for each of my twelve items. 36 beeps, 12 tutts and 12 fob flashes.

I have never seen anybody that hated their job so much. The premise is one of the oldest jobs in the world; she is largely a shepherd for computer sheep and she hates it, but not as much as I hate Tesco.

This blog isn’t as funny, because I tried to write is more seriously, so that my argument has some integrity. It’s still better than the letter I wrote for Tesco;

Dear Tesco,

Cunts.

I happily await your reply.

Paul McCallum.

Paul and Euan Finally Do It

I have achieved. I could die tonight and I know I’d go happily. When my life flashes before my eyes, I’ll rush past it all and just enjoy what happened last night between me and Euan.

I’ll give you some back story;

1) Euan has woken up numerous times in his life, mid-coital (I think that’s the term). He literally wakes up having sex.

2) I have a friend called Mhairi who I’ve known my whole life.

3) Last night my girlfriend Jess and Mhairi got very drunk and Mhairi decided to stay here at my flat, in my bed with my girlfriend (nothing happened. I’ve asked them and they both suspiciously told me so (*cough*))

I think you all see the problem here. Mhairi is sleeping in my bed and that leaves me bedless and without the possibility to sleep in the living room on the two comfy couches (hehe).

After a LOT of convincing that I wouldn’t do “anything weird”, Euan said I could stay in his bed with him. The average person would think I was taking a risk by sleeping in a bed with a known sleep-sexer, but I thought it would be worth it for this blog alone and who cares about the average person? The average person has a low IQ and 50% of people, by definition, are more stupid than that.

So yeah. We slept together. It finally happened. He has finally cracked. I don’t know what it was that made him start to trust me. Maybe it was the out of date flake I bought him the other day. I really don’t know.

The sleep was quite nice. I woke up for the first time at about 7.30, which is great, because I usually wake up several times at night, starting at about 4. I guess I just felt safe with him nuzzled beside me.

I don’t think he sexed me in the night (even though I was naked), but when I woke up at 7.30, he was awake and my big toe was all covered in slobbers. It’s fine though, cause he said a big dog did it. I’m so lucky I had my big man there to save me from the big dog.

If anyone thinks this is a lie, you’re actually wrong this time. This is all entirely true. I am genuinely as amazed as you are. And yes, I did have to move the squashed toffee from under his pillow.

Bus Musings 10

The bus prices have gone up. What kind of sick world do we live in? Buses are the main form of transport for the poor. I'm not saying I'm poor, but look at how many buses I get.

I am genuinely pissed off. Nothing on the bus is better. They said they were putting prices up to match inflation and to pay for the new services they provide. Who the fuck is using wifi on the 15 to Whitfield though? What a waste of fucking money.

They might not have only been using it to pay for the wifi. Maybe it's also for the shitty seats, which haven't been changed this millennium, or the duct tape, which is holding the fucking, blundering death trap together.

If I see anything in the world, which hasn't been increased by 15p today, I'm going to write a letter of complaint to Dundee city council. How middle class am I? Or maybe I'm trying to prove I'm not poor.

You know who else I hate? Fucking Tesco. Time to work though. Blog to follow shortly.

Bus Musings 9

I just ran for the bus. Why do people ever run for buses? Are people (me included) ever in that much of a hurry. I can't think of one time I've ever been going anywhere that urgently. If I'd missed this bus and got the next one in 10 minutes, I would have been like 3 minutes late for work. Nobody would have cared.

I'm the only one on my department at work who hasn't either been very late or failed to turn up this week. One girl even changed the rota so it said she was off on Wednesday. She literally drew a line through her shift and never turned up. Then she told our boss that he did it. I've never been so audacious.

Time for work. Bet I’m the only one in.

Euan's New Phone

Euan got a new phone for Christmas. I say he got a new phone, he didn't. All he got for Christmas was hints.
There is some truth behind this phone nonsense though. He has got a new phone, but because his parents don't love him enough, it's just his brother's old phone. He's never cared too much for phones, though, so it's all gravy with him (not actual gravy, he doesn't speak to meat stock and hope his friends hear him.)

I never knew how little he cared about phones until today though. Euan turned to me ans asked me if I wanted to marry a witch. I entertained him by pretending they were real for a while, but then I realised that he had a dirty wee agenda, so asked him why he would want to marry a witch. He told me that it'd be great, because you wouldn't have to have a phone. If you wanted to speak to your wife, you "would just whisper into a feather and then blow it into the wind".

I don't know why this is a preferable form of communication for him, but it is, so why not. His new idea for facebook is that he wants us to gently lick letters into a camel's bumhole. I don't think it'll take off.

Bus Musings 8

On the way to the bus today, I realised that there were no homeless on the streets. Now, I realise it's only the second of January, so there is really nobody on the streets, but the street dwellers? Surely they'd still be on the street. You're not going to tell me that they're away home for 'the holidays'.

When I first moved into my flat over a year ago, it was the first time I had to see homelessness on a daily basis. I lived in the country before moving into the centre of town. We had murders in the woods, but not a whiff of homeless people (I'm not saying them smell, but they do), which is weird, because surely they would have heard of Rasputin and his forest dwelling ways, or maybe they're homeless and have bigger problems to contend with, than keep abreast of minor Russian historical figures.

I don't know. This isn't even that funny, but it is a musing.

Anyway, my story. I had just moved into my flat and was staying in and getting drunk with friends. My friend Iain, as always, got the most drunk. He was shouting at the homeless from the safety of my warm flat (because I was still naive enough to put the heating on). We thought it was hilarious at the time, but I regret it now. I don't even know that rough sleeper's name. I think she's dead now.

A Review of 2010 with Daniel Taylor, Part 2.

Bob - Film

I almost forgot how many great films came out in 2010. Well, not necessarily great films, but films I anticipated so much I wet myself more than once. The amazing and ridiculous iron man 2 was finally released this year, after I watched the trailer literally every day. The Expendables and A Team were also released after what seemed like a century of waiting, to mixed reviews. Kooky, clever, and amazing comic-book comedies tailor-made for our generation were bought out in the form of the superb Kick ass and it's little brother, Scott Pilgrim. Of course, 2010 was overshadowed by being the year 3d clawed itself out of the lead lined tomb it had been buried in since the 80's, and has been plastered over cinema with a vengeance. Still, nothing can take away from the fact that 2010 was home to two of the best films I've seen - Inception and Toy Story 3

Favourite film 2010

Inception

Ohh!! So hard to decide on a number one favourite, but Christopher Nolan’s mind-fuckingly brilliant dream-epic takes the psychological biscuit this year. Although subject to (fair) ridicule by some critics, it's a film that even after multiple viewings still makes me clap like a retarded nursery character. Amazing performances, a riveting and complex story, great ideas, and breathtaking visuals, it was refreshing to see a movie lift itself up from all the other garbage that is thrown at film fans.

Runners up

Toy Story 3, kick ass, and machete

Yes, I have had to do three runners up because I could see no way to leave any of these great films off my list. Toy story 3 surpassed everyone's wildest expectations, proving that pixar could easily follow (and better) their previous efforts. Not only did the third film in the franchise entertain both adults and young children, it catered for and thanked the (now much older) loyal toy story fan base. And yes, I cried at the end.

Kick ass was not only one of the best comedies of the year, but of the last ten years. Taking a thankfully refreshing spin on the superhero genre, it...well it kicked ass. It was unbelievably funny, witty, clever, and contained some of the most memorable and well directed fight scenes (and death scene) I've ever seen. Also, much respect to Nicholas cage for his excellent Adam west style superhero.

Machete. Well holy shit. Where all the big budget action films failed this year, machete succeeded. I can't really do machete justice in a few sentences. For said justice, read my review.

Most disappointing film of 2010

The Expendables

Now, I enjoyed this film. I expected to. A lot was made of the ensemble cast, and that's what got me excited. This was the 80's action film that never was... and I love ridiculous 80's action films. However, Stallone fucked it up. It wasn't a bad film; it just could have been so much more. Instead of hamming it up and playing with the ??? of the movies it was emulating, it just didn't push it far enough. For an example of what he should have done, see Machete.

The Phantom Menace

I know this film was released originally years ago now, but I was disappointed by it so much that I don't think I ever wont be. It failed so badly that the disappointment it created will reverberate through space and time, for all eternity as a warning. As long as there exists somewhere a copy of that film, I will be disappointed.

Paul – Film

This year in film was okay. I don’t want to copy all of Bob’s choices, so I’ll just say that Inception was great, if not far too drawn out in the last hour. It did claw back some shadow of its former self, though, when at the end it turned out that it was obviously all a dream. It did keep spinning, so don’t argue, or I’ll fight you.

Favourite Film

Crazy Heart

Now I know I’m going to come across as an old man and I know that this film is in fact from 2009, but Crazy Heart was the best film I saw in 2010. It was the perfect film. There was love, action, alcoholism and country music. If you’ve seen The Wrestler, then you’ll know the rough story.

Jeff Bridges (in one of his best roles of his life) plays an aging alcoholic country singer, who once had been a stadium-filler, but now plays small gigs in pubs, repeating his most famous song over and over.

There’s not much else I can say about this film, other than that it is amazing. If you love the story of a man overcoming his struggles, then you’ll love this. If you don’t, then crack on a porno and crack out some jizz, cause that’s all you’re good for.

Runner up

Scott Pilgrim vs. The World

From the second that the pixelated universal logo came onto the screen, I was laughing my little geeky pants off. The jokes were so layered and so expected of Edgar Wright. The man hasn’t made a bad film or TV programme ever, so my expectations were high when I went to see Scott Pilgrim and he still managed to blow me out of the water, like a shark with a tendency to suck cock without biting (or with, if that’s your thing).

Everything about this film tickled my generation, but sadly, only my generation. If you hadn’t grown up with Zelda and Mario as Godparents, then you wouldn’t get most of the jokes.

The fight scenes were so ridiculous and as such were the best I can remember from a film, but then again, Bob still hasn’t sat me down to watch Machete.

I can’t do it justice in a few sentences, so if you’re aged between 14 and 27, go and watch it. You’ll find a whole new side of yourself. Hopefully it’s not a mass murdering, paedophile side. If it is, you can’t sue me or Scott Pilgrim, because I won’t listen and he’ll get dragons to kick your ass.

Most Disappointing Film of 2010

Now I know I said I wouldn’t copy Bob’s films, but this next shit storm of a film just can’t be left out.

The Expendables

Worst film ever. The premise was great; lots of the golden-oldie ass kickers getting together and kicking ass. The main problem with the film was that it took itself seriously (watch RED for a film with the same premise, but done well). Jason Statham hanging from a plane and then God knows what happening and then an explosion was just too much shite at once to keep me interested.

And most importantly; Sylvester Stallone looks like he wasn’t acting in the Rocky films. His face has been so battered in the last 60 years of his life, that they might as well have reanimated the corpse of his mother (she’ll be dead soon. I promise) and got her to play his role. When he went back to the island to save the 20-year-old woman that for some reason loved him, I just couldn’t understand why, but today instead of a runner up film, I’ll bring you that reason.

The Reason That The Hot Girl Loved A Face-Mangled Sixty Year Old

Her daddy fucked her.

Good night everyone and God bless.

Euan's 2010

This entry is more for the people who don't give a fuck about me and Bob, or John Simons (I think the PC term is mongs, but I'm not sure). Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Euan's breakdown of 2010!

It really has been a busy year for little Euan Menzies. He'd tell you that so much has happened to him in 2010, but I'll tell you the truth. If you hadn't seen Euan since 2005 and bumped into him today, it'd be like the world's hardest game of spot the difference. In fact, it'd be rigged, because he hasn't changed at all. He still wears the same clothes (even down to the underwear), he still lacks basic human emotion and he's still hilariously funny to stare at for slightly too long.

We've established that he hasn't changed, so let's work out what has happened in the last year to the sausage skin filled with mashed potatoes that is Ms Menzies.

In January, Euan did nothing, because he was still hibernating and nursing his nonsey nogin from his new year hangover. He literally slept for a month. He thought he woke up at one point, but then realised that he was just dreaming on level 3.

In February Euan started casual racism. He was jokingly racist about the dirty foreigners who work in Istanbul. He also started speaking to himself a lot; which I now realise he does constantly. I'm used to it though.

In March Euan booked a flight to visit a stray dog in Thailand, but never went because of a problem with his heart he was having. They say he couldn't fly and that I had to be nice to him for a while. I see that didn't last.

In April Euan rolled a chocolate egg down a hill in the name of the father, the son and the...fuck it, he can have one name like all of us...he did it for God, okay? God! Not a holy spirit or a man with no penis who is also his own dad. Just God.

In May Euan's heart problem was getting better and he finished second year of uni. He did as you'd expect for a man of his meager, mong-esque mental capacity.

In June Euan turned into his twenties and we all had a lovely party and I wasn't sick so stop making fun cause it never happened and you're all dicks. Also he saw his brother having sex.

In July Euan was still 20 and acting 53.

In August, Euan wasted away his life by playing a lot of bad computer games, but it makes him happy, so let him (don't. Bully him and write blogs about it)

In September we want back to uni and Euan said something about all women loving a squashed toffee. This inspired me and I haven't stopped writing nearly daily blogs since.

In October Euan dressed up as Halloween. He looked...with his eyes.

In November Euan wanked himself silly in the living room and thought we never knew. He also ate pigs trotters, which he says was his favourite thing of the year, but after seeing how furiously he masturbated in November, I don’t believe him.

In December, Euan drank toilet water.

Well, that was long and drawn out, but it had to he said. I wonder what 2011 will hold for him. Whatever it is, you'll find the truth behind his actions here at Euania; Chronicles thereof.

Christian Musings

Right, here we go.

The father, the son and the holy spirit are all the same thing. That means that God, Jesus and whoever the spirit is (Santa?) are the same person. It also means that God, although being Jesus, is also Jesus' dad.

My favourite part about this, that took me 20 years yo realise is that God kept all the good powers for himself. Was he scared that his Son would grow up and usurp him? Think about it like this;

God has the power to create the universe in an instant. Then he has time for a nap (which he didn't need, cause he's God) and then come back every day for the next 5, to create little things like animals, man and light.

Jesus has the power to turn water into wine and to make tuna sandwiches last for almost a whole party.

I really don't think God made it very fair for his son at all. He can do all of this amazing universe creating, sea parting stuff, and his poor wee son gets fishy, bready wine powers. If anything, Jesus is French. I know he could throw an amazing party for 11 close friends and 1 cunt, but when compared to ten plagues and using a burning bush as wifi, he really has all of the shit powers.



Oh, and if it wasn't for being able to sneak around in heavy boots, Santa would be powerless, too.

Not a very fair distribution of powers from a supposedly benevolent God at all, I'd say.

A Review of 2010 with Daniel Taylor, Part 1.

So, two thousand and ten has almost passed, fading away like Sam Henderson's patience with humanity. Much has risen and fallen back down again, many great political and world shaking events. This year deserves a documentation of sorts, so that future generations may look back, digital archaeologists scouring the Internet and one day stumbling upon this blog. The world has changed much since 2009, and mankind has grown just a little, for better or for worse.

But fuck that, here's what myself and Paul thought of 2010. Or rather, what we enjoyed and hated in 2010.

Bob - TV

It's been a remarkable year for television. While the X-Factor and the assembled army of celebrity reality shows have plowed their way through the nations consciousness, the alternative choice has been rather grand. Or at least, it has for me. Finally after what seemed like a millennium, the amazing Futurama was renewed for a new series, this time on Comedy Central. Fortunately, the animated sci-fi show hasn't gone the way of The Simpsons, and instead remains as laugh-out-loud funny as ever.

Earlier this year Matt Smith picked up the role as the eleventh Doctor Who, replacing the seemingly irreplaceable David Tennant. They also had the sense to bring in new writers, and so out went the old cringe worthy "BBCness" and in with some new surprisingly well written new scripts. American Dad and 30 Rock also started a new series the arse end of this year, and are still refusing to stop being funny. The same can be said for Peep Show, which is still (still!) feeling as fresh and as cringeworthingly hilarious as ever. I could go on forever about what else I watched this year, but I hear Paul's literary genius knocking on the word door.

Favourite TV show 2010

American Dad!

It still makes me laugh more than anything, and just shows how much Family Guy has gone downhill. Much darker this season as well, which is always a good thing.

Runners up

Doctor Who and Futurama

I cant decide which show I looked forward to the most. It had a happy ending though - Futurama (as mentioned) is still as good as it ever was (despite some filler episodes), and the new Doctor Who almost made me not miss David Tennant. Almost.

Most disappointing TV show

How I met your mother

While there were still a few laughs, the show is feeling really drawn out now - they should have ended it a couple of seasons ago. The storyline's have been as thin as to be almost non-existent, and the characters are now just shadows of what they once were. I swear to god if they don't introduce the mother soon, I'm going to kill someone. Or just stop watching.

Runner up

Southpark

Yeah I know. I hate saying bad things about one of my favourite TV shows of all time. In all honesty, it has been as funny (almost) and as clever as it always was. The only problem is that they seem to have run out of large issues to tackle. Now, it has become really topical - a satirical take on what has been happening in the news recently. While there has been some stand out episodes (the 200th special particularly), it feels like it should have ended while at it's peak a few seasons ago.

PAUL - TV

So the year of the tiger (or just 2010 if you don’t believe in China) is almost over. It’s been a helluva year. We’ve seen more job loses everywhere, student protests and most importantly Leona Lewis lost the X Factor for the second year in a row (When will they learn that we just don’t care). The year of the tiger really has been weird for lots of reasons, but I, like Bob, would like to start with the television.

Favourite TV Show

Modern Family

Now a lot of people reading this will not have heard of, never mind have seen, Modern Family. It was dreamt up in 2009 by the creator of Frasier. As a huge Frasier fan, I wasn’t holding my breath when I watched the first episode, but by the end of it, I was struggling for breath because I was laughing so much.

It is, without a doubt, one of the most ingenious and simple premises for a television show ever. It is in the style of a mocumentary; the style that Ricky Gervais created with The Office; but instead of setting it in an office it is set in three family homes. The show follows the life of a father, his gay son and his mental daughter and their families. There is a documentary team in each of their houses and their daily lives are followed. Of course, because it’s on TV they don’t life normal lives at all and this is where the humour derives from.

I don’t think I’ve done it any justice in this description, so I’ll just say that the father (who is in his 60s) is married to Sofia Vergara from Baywatch (who is much hotter now in her 30s and easily, in my opinion, the hottest woman on the planet, except Jess.)

Runner Up

Like Bob, it’s either got to be American Dad for it’s increasingly funny episodes it manages to put out after 6 seasons, or Doctor Who. I never thought I’d like the new doctor. I even shouted at the TV when he first appeared, made fun of his massive chin (just realised that both Stan from American Dad and The Doctor have massive chins. Coincidence? I THINK NOT) and hated him from the first second, but by the second second or the third second I was in love with him and his new assistant. Especially his new assistant, if you catch my drift (If you don’t, it’s cause she’s hot (if you needed that bit, stop reading now.))

Most Disappointing Show of 2010

Glee

Dear Glee,

I loved you. Why have you done this to me? I am not in the slightest afraid to admit that I cried at several of your first season episodes or that I think Sue Sylvester is one of the best characters ever created. I was so excited for season two of you, that I watched all of season one again, just to get into that mood that only a Gleek knows. Remember that mood? The warm and fuzzy insides mood? Well you DUCKING WELL SHOULDN’T! What was good about you Glee, was that you were always light hearted, always funny and always with a semi serious undertone that never made itself too aware until those episodes (which I liked the least, but still loved) where you had to drive the story with one less song and a bit more dialogue. I could accept that.

When I turned on season two and saw the gay one (Kurt? I can’t remember now, because you’re RUINED IT) singing The Beatles “Hold your hand” to his inexplicably comatose father, I wanted to fucking kill you. Why did you start being so in your face and ridiculous? So American? Your undertones were almost Shakespearean. You were beautiful.

And one more thing? To give Britney a whole episode and then to have Meatloaf play a 43 second cameo is a fucking outrage and you should all die.

No Longer Yours,

A former Gleek.

Ps; I hope season three starts with a columbine style massacre and the glee club is reduced to the wheelchair one.

Still to come; our review of film and possibly even news, if we can muster ourselves to watch it. For more of Bob's ball achingly funny (my balls ache) blogs, click here. Or don't. But you'll never know how Friends should have ended and you'll never know true love.

Euan Drank Toilet Water

At Jess' birthday party the other day, Euan did a shot of toilet water.

He said he couldn't find a big enough shot glass.
It wasn't even a dare

And he fucking loved it.

'John Simons' - Part 3

John awoke to the sound of renovation. It was a noise he was used to, but hadn't heard in too long. His dad was always decorating their house and he could tell from the hammering alone that it was him downstairs.

He stood up and yawned. He felt so lethargic. The kind of lethargy you get from only being awake for 13 hours in the last year. He was excited to see his dad again, but was annoyed that nobody had been there when he woke up in the hospital.

He crept down the stairs, so as to not shock his dad too much. Half way down the stairs, the hammering stopped. He ran down the remaining stairs, half expecting his dad to have already seen him coming. What he hadn't expected is the room he saw when he got there.

The hallway had been decorated. It might not have been as nice as it once had been, but compared to the piss stained walls of the day before, it was palatial. There was a note on the hallway table;

"Gone out for more nails. Hope John's feeling better today. If you're up to it, why not paint the gate today? x"

He could tell it was his father from the handwriting. It was childlike, but still neater than his own. Maybe painting the gate wasn't a bad idea.

'John Simons' - Part 2

He’d tell people that it was the musky smell that hit him first when he stepped into his hallway, but he wasn’t sure if the smell of the cobweb had won the race to welcome him home. It wasn’t a particularly bad smell, but it wasn’t one that he’d missed in the hospital. It was the smell of a house that hadn’t been occupied by anybody with more than the clothes they are sleeping in. It was a nice contrast to the smell of antiseptic.

As he wiped the cobweb from his face and got some in his mouth, he saw that his house was as good as empty. Kitchen? Empty. Livingroom? Empty. Bathroom? Empty, but still a bathroom, because of the bath. It would seem that after trying to steal the cast-iron bath, the robbers had realised it was too heavy, so had turned it upside down in protest.

Only one more room to check and it was his. He walked in nonchalantly, like a teenager who had just discovered women. Like all teenage boys trying to impress women, though, he froze when he saw the room. Cupboard? Full. Lamp? On. Bed? Made. His room was in the same state as it had been when he left it over a year ago. If anything, it was cleaner. Every line bisected every other line perfectly. Such uniformity.

There was one less than subtle difference in the corner of his room and it was aimed at the sky.

'John Simons' - Part 1

John Simons was not an ordinary little boy; both of his names were first names, for example. It was not only his unfortunate name that made little Johnny so special; he had his unfortunate accident to thank for that, too.

After one year and seventeen hours spent comatose in intensive care, John Simons finally stood up. Some people said that it was just his time to wake, but such miracles don't happen every day. Johnny knew why he had stood up and had the glint of purpose in his eyes to prove it.

He was a quiet boy. He had to be, he'd been asleep for very slightly over a year. His thoughts, plans and schemes couldn't be stopped by a bout of drowsiness, though. He was up and about and knew what he had to do.

"The billboards are different" he said to himself.
"Different from what?" said the taxi driver.
"nothing"

If the billboards were too much for him, his front door almost had him in tears. He'd painted the door green with his Mum when he was a child, so that it was different from every other black door in an act of rebellion against the neighbourhood watch. He'd always been curious of the neighbourhood watch.

When he was eleven the neighbourhood watch had a vote to decide whether or not he could keep his telescope aimed out of his window or not. Some of his nosey neighbours had complained that they'd been watching and saw him looking out of his window at nights. As a passive pre-teen, he hadn't contested the decision that he could no longer look at the sky. Ironically he'd only been looking at the sky, so that he could forget about the curtain twitching backdrop to his life. He could feel their eyes on him now and could hear the buzzing of the phone lines, that meant they would all know he was home within the next five minutes.

As he walked through the squeaky gate up to the now black front door and put his hand on the door knob, he couldn't possibly have imagined how much of his life inside was gone.

Iain MacKinnon

Euan and I did something last night that we said we never would. I feel really really guilty. Usually I have to pressure him into stuff like this. Well, never did this, I must admit. He got really sweaty and nervous. He blushed a little bit and I had to brush the hair from his eyes. It was beautiful, but I regret it now and I'm sure he does, too. I guess you're wondering what we did. Well, I'll tell you.

Euan and I (me and Euan) agreed on something. That something came in the form of a six foot lizoidian friend of ours, called Iain MacKinnon. We both thought that lizoidians were immune to the effects of gin and lemonade, but obviously not. Our friend Iain MacKinnon was drunker than anyone we've ever seen before. He was swearing, shouting and doing online quizs faster and more drunkenly than when the Hoff and KIT won that pub quiz. It was horrific. I wish I could arrange this blog in an ordered fashion, but every time I start to, I get a flashback and need to use the toilet (in my pants).

To compare it to somebody else we saw drunk last night; our flatmate Liam banged on the door and did the buzzer for about 5 minutes at half three this morning, trying to get in from a night out. He was wasted and just giggled when we asked him what was up. Euan said he was angry, but didn't care because he was laughing so much. I'm not saying he did, but he may have had sick down his front and may not have been able to explain where he'd been since the clubs closed an hour before and EVEN AT THAT, he was more sober than Iain.

In the end, at about half one, when Iain had scared the majority of his flatmates out of the living room (one of them has even moved back to Manchester), Euan and I left the flat. As we left we heard gentle screaming in the background and felt ashamed that we let this happen.

Now he's got a hangover and I just feel guilty that I didn't stop him. Euan feels guilty, too, but he's showing it in his own way (wanking and crying).

The Kingdom of Why?

So I've recently discovered the stats section of my blogger account and it's driving me crazy. Not crazy as in "I want to strip naked and wear a trifle as pants", but crazy as in "I can't stop checking which blogs have the most views.

It started the other day while speaking to Bob. He mentioned something about his most read blogs and how he couldn't work out why those ones were the most popular. I decided to check what mine were and now the answer is running through my head like Mickey Mouse on a steamboat (quite a fitting simile). More people have read my blog about The Kingdom of Hearts than any other blog. I really don't know why. There could be a few explanations;

1) Everyone has played this game and wants to defend it from my unstoppable tirade.
2) People are thinking about buying the game and want my opinion.
3) I advertised it better than other blogs (I didn't)
4) People love Disney so much they just wanted to see the pictures of Michael Mouse.
5) People enjoyed the pictures.

If 1 is the right answer, then why are the only two comments on it, defending my position in a weird way. It doesn't make any sense at all. I was more flippant and stupid than ever before and people all read it and agreed with me.

If 2 is the right answer, then why? really... why? My opinion about games is limited and shallow at best.

If 3 is the right answer, then why can I not remember advertising it any better? Why would I advertise it any differently from my usual post on euan's wall, post on the Euania group and - if I'm really proud of it - post as my status? I don't think I did, but I may have.

If 4 is the right answer, then I'm sure googling Mickey Mouse is going to show you millions of pictures you want to see and just as many pictures that you don't want to see.

If 5 is the right answer - which I think it may be - then you're all idiots and I can just put a different picture on every blog, that represents the theme and it will increase views. I'm going to start it with this blog and see if it helps. If it does, it takes away from the quality (be it good or utter detritus) of my writing and if it doesn't, I still feel quite secure about what I'm doing with my life.

Before I forget, Euan wants me to thank everyone who read his wee blog entry the other day. He showed it to his uncle in a Skype call yesterday afternoon and I think they both had a wee cry at the memory. Quite a nice thing anyway. I told him that he can't just say that was his Christmas present to his uncle, but he disagrees. He says it's the thought that counts and I guess that's right. Not true in every situation though. If the people who lived in the village next to Auschwitz used that as an excuse, they'd have got in a fair bit of trouble - which they did anyway... silly moos.

Cafe Musings Special (by Euan)

This was written by Euan, so give the wee brat a chance.

I like cafes. I always have. I also like that Paul's phone changed cafes to cages. It says a lot about him and nothing about me.

There's cheesy Christmas music on. It reminds me of when we used to go to Christmas at my uncles house. He lives in Aberdeen and he's the reason I am so obsessed with the place. It was always so cheery and the whole family would get up and dance, like at the end of home alone, except I hadn't just assaulted some strangers who were trying to Maddie McCann me.

I love Aberdeen so much that I had to make sure at least half of the people I lived with when I moved out were from there. We could have great chats about Aberdeen and my uncle, even
Although they never met him. I always thought it was funny that they'd never met him because he's a pretty swell guy and doesn't afraid of everything. He once stamped on a spider that was trying to attack me. He's so brave.

I had a dream the other night that me and Paul were playing a board game. It wasn't a real game, like 'Tip The Balance' from Waddingtons or 'Monopoly' from Mr Monopoly, it was just a game that my dream made up. Pretty much, I had to stop Paul biting things. In a lot of ways, it was a board game of my life and that's why I love cafes.

I know this isn't wrapped up as neatly as Paul's blogs, so I'll end with my catchphrase. All women enjoy a squashed toffee.

Brilliant. Well done wee man. Let's all congratulate him on his wall!

Bus Musings 7

If there's one thing more important than my political views when deciding what side if the bus to sit on, it's my OCD. I just got on the bus and there were two fellow socialists on the left side of the bus, so I sat on the right, just in case things kicked off and there needed to be a nazi around for a balanced argument.

Everyone just got off (not in a sexy way) and I'm the only one on the bus now. There's no way they knew what I was writing, but I still wonder why they'd get on in town and get off two minutes later, still in town. What lazy people.

They're either lazy, or my childhood nightmare is true. Perhaps I am living in my own version of The Truman Show. Maybe I'm the main character and people watch me 24 hours a day, or maybe I shouldn't have started worrying about this at age 10 after seeing the film.

I sometimes like to imagine that Euan is the main character in a reality show, which is his life, but then I realise how boring his life really is. How many people want to see him wanking and crying over Disney all day? I know there's more to Euan's life, but in the same way that I know there's more to Atlantis, I've never seen any proof.