It really has been a busy year for little Euan Menzies. He'd tell you that so much has happened to him in 2010, but I'll tell you the truth. If you hadn't seen Euan since 2005 and bumped into him today, it'd be like the world's hardest game of spot the difference. In fact, it'd be rigged, because he hasn't changed at all. He still wears the same clothes (even down to the underwear), he still lacks basic human emotion and he's still hilariously funny to stare at for slightly too long.
We've established that he hasn't changed, so let's work out what has happened in the last year to the sausage skin filled with mashed potatoes that is Ms Menzies.
In January, Euan did nothing, because he was still hibernating and nursing his nonsey nogin from his new year hangover. He literally slept for a month. He thought he woke up at one point, but then realised that he was just dreaming on level 3.
In February Euan started casual racism. He was jokingly racist about the dirty foreigners who work in Istanbul. He also started speaking to himself a lot; which I now realise he does constantly. I'm used to it though.
In March Euan booked a flight to visit a stray dog in Thailand, but never went because of a problem with his heart he was having. They say he couldn't fly and that I had to be nice to him for a while. I see that didn't last.
In April Euan rolled a chocolate egg down a hill in the name of the father, the son and the...fuck it, he can have one name like all of us...he did it for God, okay? God! Not a holy spirit or a man with no penis who is also his own dad. Just God.
In May Euan's heart problem was getting better and he finished second year of uni. He did as you'd expect for a man of his meager, mong-esque mental capacity.
In June Euan turned into his twenties and we all had a lovely party and I wasn't sick so stop making fun cause it never happened and you're all dicks. Also he saw his brother having sex.
In July Euan was still 20 and acting 53.
In August, Euan wasted away his life by playing a lot of bad computer games, but it makes him happy, so let him (don't. Bully him and write blogs about it)
In September we want back to uni and Euan said something about all women loving a squashed toffee. This inspired me and I haven't stopped writing nearly daily blogs since.
In October Euan dressed up as Halloween. He looked...with his eyes.
In November Euan wanked himself silly in the living room and thought we never knew. He also ate pigs trotters, which he says was his favourite thing of the year, but after seeing how furiously he masturbated in November, I don’t believe him.
In December, Euan drank toilet water.
Well, that was long and drawn out, but it had to he said. I wonder what 2011 will hold for him. Whatever it is, you'll find the truth behind his actions here at Euania; Chronicles thereof.
No comments:
Post a Comment