As I sit here in a pool of linguistic jelly and alcohol-withdrawl-emmiting residue, I am inclined to divulge into some of greater depths of my being, but to also release some incredibly pompous, nonsensical lexical diarrhoea.

So, as a spring-board to propel this nonsense I will start with the most recent problem Euan and I have had, and why it is all Iain’s fault.

So, I’m in town with Iain, Catherine and Sarah (wonderful woman :P) and we’re trying to get me an iPhone. (Long story short, I have it and would be typing all over its glorious body right now, had I the patience to use the tiny touch keyboard, with my less than dainty thumbs.) As I leave the God forsaken shop, Iain tells me that Euan just passed the shop with Kirsty and that they had avoided me deliberately. So yeah, I am peeved to say the least. So I text Euan confessing my love to him and saying how much he doesn’t love me anymore. I go home that night both annoyed and aroused, as I usually am.

Anywho whatnot and henceforth, I got a text from Euan today saying that his phone was off, so he hadn’t been able to text me for a few days. Also, he and his girlfriend Rachel (not Kirsty, no, not Kirky at all) were already in a rush to meet somebody AND didn’t want to interrupt me during my happiest moment yet – getting my iPhone.

What can I say, Euan is a great guy. And Iain; well, the jury is still out on him, and because of his recent spate of rapes and murders, they may be a while.

Yours Sincerely,
Paul’s Ego Club.

PS: I am starting a campaign to get Euan to turn his phone on more often. If you see him, shout at him for it. If we get him to turn it on, then I can phone him more often and these bloggs can become more and more frequent.

Best argument of my holiday.

So me and my cousin were sitting two nights ago, while on holiday near Aviemore. The argument (I'd say discussion, but that would imply some thought on his behalf, EVER.) finally made it's way onto "the worst disney character ever". I argued powerfully for the charater that Bruce Willis plays in "The Kid", but still remain the only one that thinks he's a cunt. So then it was my cousin's turn;

Mark; "Mandy, the deer"
Me; "Mandy? :P Don't you mean Bambi?"
Mark; "Yeah, Bambi. The one what's Mum got shooted at for ivory."

What can I say? He trully is a ginger vine creeping around near - but definitely independantly of - my family tree.

Mhairi...

... you know xD You've always known :P... even MORE than Iain, 'cause your special :D:D:D

Now plan a trip to Aviemore :P.... love oooooo :P

xXx

So, I’m drunk. Thjis typing nonsense is getting on my tits so I wont correct my spelling. But then again, I’m nit doing to badly xD
So yeah, on holiday with rthe whole family… we went cycling for 4 hours and th had a few pints and I am DRUNK :P I just went swimming and was so close to drowning xd

I’m happy, though xD there is a GIRL :O and yeah, O genuinely like her :O… Iain, you know :P… but still, yeah… a girl person that makes me happy xD…. Hahahahaha, I love the irony, if there is any xD

Sincerely yours,
a shite film reference that only Iain gets xd

xxxxxxxxx – you know wgo you are xD

Sexual Drivel.

When better to blog than preparing for an impending, great party. So yeah, I’m at Max’s just now. Just started drinking and am listening to Renegades of Funk, by Rage Against The Machine (best band ever). So yeah, I feel quite amazing. I am properly washed and the little facial hair I have is just sparse enough to be almost exotic. I have never really felt much better. I am slightly tanned with my hair sitting like I want it. Anyway, I am sure you all know of my immense sexual nature. I know that some (none) of you have been ensnared by its raffish charm and beauty. But this is not just an ego trip for me, I have to tell the story of how drunk and pathetic Euan’s girlfriend’s friends can be.

So yeah, Euan’s house a few months ago, his brother was having a party and to be quite honest, I didn’t want to go home. So after a bit of pestering and convincing, I started making my way there. For one night, I would be the responsible adult. I was even being so responsible that Euan and Lisa left me to look after the kids – and Danny. So yeah, I was doing great, until the kids started drinking vodka behind my back. After God knows how much vodka (probably double what I can drink) they were all spewing, especially one girl who was like dead in the bath and spewing on herself. She annoyed me so much that I turned the shower on her. In the great words of the dodgy guy from Silence of the Lambs; “IT STOPS SPEWING OR IT GETS THE HOSE!!!” and well, she got the hose.

I was so fucking good to those kids. They got what they wanted, when they wanted. And just because of one little hiccough (me throwing fruit at them and forcing unconscious people under the shower) I am the big baddy. Not fair if you ask me, but that’s life and Euan’s hypocrisy. He leaves me sober looking after them and they start spewing everywhere, just because he wants some quiet time with Lisa. And yeah, he’ll deny he wanted quiet time with her, but who the fuck
takes one hour and fourty minutes to drive the five miles to Tesco and back?

So yeah, Euan got back and everything went smoothly.

You know what I love? That Euan has always lived in the same house. I know where everything is. I truly do. It’s such a great feeling. I am sure you all know what I mean and have a friends like that, though.

Anyway, party hasn’t started and I can already feel the two beers affecting me. It’s time I went and did some tidying in preparation to help Max.

Wish me luck. And Iain…. you know xD!

Up. Get. Bothered. Be.

The Iain Chronicle.

Even although this blog(g) will always be dedicated to my one true love, Euan Menzies, I think it not fair to only reveal many in depth and utterly true stories about his life. So as a sorry of subtext to his (Or more importantly, MY) life, I will regale you with tales of my other friends.


Vegetarian.

How can I start to describe my dearest friend Iain MacKinnon? Some would say he is a lovely chap, and yes, if you had ever gone out with him, I am sure that is all you could say. Iain is a great boyfriend. He truly is. Maybe not everyone of his relations or conquests does not end successfully, but he really is one of those one in a million guys who’ll do anything for his partner (ever to the detriment of his best friends). As a good introductory story to this morally negotiable boy, I will tell you the story of his first day being a vegetarian.

It was a cloudy day in the April holidays of 2007. Iain and I were out and about in Monifieth (yes, walking. I know. It’s hard to believe now, but I remember a day when we walked places instead of driving. Iain and Mhairi both forced me to drive to the Dominoes delivery beside Iain’s house once. It is a two minute walk or a five minute drive, but because they were doing me the favour by letting us all “have a seat”, it was my car we were forced into. Robbie then did the same the next week… am I too nice to them or what?) and I believe Danny was there too, even if Iain doesn’t recall him. We decided we were all hungry, so we made our way to the Tesco/Petrol station. It was at this time that Iain announced to the world, like Martin Luther King standing in front of all of his followers and changing the world; “From this day on, if there ever is an alternative I will try to only eat vegetarian food.” I was quite pleased with him, as we walked discussing the advantages of cheaper health insurance and food costs in general.

We arrived and straight away I ran to the sandwiches, quickly choosing and egg and cress one to fill surpress my hunger (I probably had a lot more food, too. I am always buying food I don’t want. Just today my Dad found three pieces of caramel shortbread in my car. Why? I wanted one, but somehow convinced myself that four would be cheaper). Iain scurried guilty to the reduced section as he often does due to lack of funds. I was still beaming and proud of him inside. We all made our way to the till individually and met up outside. Iain walked up; “Genius, reduced food is the best.” I peered into his little bag to see, oh yes, and this is all true, twenty scotch eggs. (For those who don’t know. They’re little eggs filled with pork covered in breadcrumbs.) When questioned, he laughed in his sarcastic way and said; “scotch EGGS. Eggs aren’t meat: They’re eggs” As I protested he just laughed. Sometimes he even peeled all the egg off and just ate the pork to annoy me. What a great start to his new life as a vegetarian.

Since that day, I think more to annoy me than anything else, Iain has been as great vegetarian. He always reads the back of packets to see if they are suitable and condemns me for not doing it, but then again, and this is the last time I will say it; I do not claim to be a vegetarian. IF I ever have said that I am a vegetarian, it is because I cannot be bothered speaking to you or explaining that I still eat fish because, as the smallest male in my family for the last 4 generations, I still hope I will have an amazing growth spurt one day, and that the protein I get from fish will definitely increase those chances. Even now that you have a slight explanation, I still know that somebody will stupidly and annoyingly say “you get protein from vegetables as well”, but I am not taking any chances. If I never grow any taller than this, I at least want to know that I tried.

Ultimately, Iain is great. I do love him, even although in the last month alone he has changed my default picture on my Mac to a very incapacitated picture of himself; sprayed hair moose all over my car; accepted my generosity in buying him a pint, but then said I never do anything for him because I didn’t think I could give him a lift home; laughed and made a situation awkward around a girl I like; said he’d go the to the picture with me to see Wanted and then went with somebody else AND put the brakes on my wheelchair on, really confusing Fiona the whole way around Tesco for like 10 minutes. But yeah, wouldn’t change that lanky, ginger, piercing loving weirdo at all.

I am like a fucking saint.

I am too nice to my friends... I truly am. In the last two days I have bought Iain a pint of beer, a gin and tonic, a bottle of beer, a subway snadwhich and I have given him two lifts. Did he thank me, though? :O

More stories of Iain to follow soon.

A quotation from the man himself

For all those who have uttered the words "that blog is mean", here is a little bit of proof that it's not, as well as acceptance from dearest Euanums.

"Now to be honest I saw that link on my bebo I thought "oh no another weird thing Paul has written to humiliate me" but then when I went on it...it was actually funny xD I love it and although it is slightly humiliating it is pretty dam funny. So you have full permission to keep it up if this style stays xD"

I highlighted that part for my own amusement, as it's just so Euan like to sneak a subtle little loophole into everything he says. Love that boy xD

A Clenched Fist.

Euan has never been a man to hold his drink with much compassion. To be brutally honest, I don’t think he’s ever done anything with any level of compassion, except maybe sex (search this page for “aggressive lover” if you can’t remember). I had a dream last night about us going out drinking, and God, I can’t wait. I’ll phone him as soon as this fucking powercut is over and I’ll ask him to come to the pub with me, Mhairi and Greg. That’ll be a night to remember.

Euan has a great smile. He rarely does it, for some reason, but when he does it’s a sight to remember. Every time he smiles, I just think “God, I have been happy in life, I have even been elated. But never THAT happy, how does he do it?” and so yeah, I’ve worked him out. He just saves up all his happiness and releases it all at once, like a Tsunami (is it too early?) of happiness.

Almosy equally rivalling the greatness of his smile is the magnitude of his sigh. I have heard it many times before and will surely hear it again. One example was in town a few months ago. I was with Euan and my twin Lisa99. A family with a cute wee toddler walked past us:

Lisa; Oh my God, he’s too cute.
Euan; I know. He looks like a female Madeline McCann.
Me; Yeah, you could just pick him up, put him in your backpack and run away to Mexico.
Lisa; *suppressed, shocked laughter*
Euan; *sigh and stares at me with lips pursed*
Me; Oh come on, we all thought it.

Another example was on my birthday party this year, when Euan was standing with his current girlfriend and I walked over with my friend Robbie. Euan and Robbie have a large back story. They hate each other, to be blunt, and I don’t think it’s either of their faults. Euan’s ex-girlfriend cheated on him with Robbie breaking Euan’s heart and then she broke Robbie’s heart by going back to Euan once she’d had her fill. [PS: I know I am treading on ground I maybe shouldn’t, but I’ll just say. I have nothing bad to say about the girl and this is in no way insulting her strong moral fibre. And anyway, if it was, what’s she gonna do, sue me? I dare her.] So yeah, Robbie and an intoxicated I walk over to the ground. I am so amused by my new birthday present I hardly notice the exchange going on. “GUYS, it’s a beer glass with bell. I ring it and more beer comes. Watch!! *ring ring ring ring ring ring ring* IT’S BROKEN! MUST SHASH IT” (a very happy drunken me). So yeah, I finish my rant about the broken bell and turn to see Robbie say to Euan about his new girlfriend “Is she single then? I’d like a slice of that pie” (or words very similar and very much to the same effect). Although Robbie found it hilarious, I had to rush him away quickly, as Euan had just clenched his fist and cracked his knuckles for the first time in his life. What a moment. I’ll never forget it.

Cancer Porn.

Euan’s parents are avid pornography collectors. I always knew they were a fruity pair, having conceived Euan on a beach, but I learned just how much at the tender age of 12. Euan and I were just exploring the world of early puberty, discovering to the amazement of the other that we both had pubes and filthily raking through his parents DVD collection.

There is was, shining out at us, “Y Tu Mama Tambien” (I must apologise to the entire Spanish community… but get as real language which is easy to spell). This great story is one of a cancer ridden whore who travels to Mexico with her cousin and his best friend, sucking them off at every lay-by and getting screwed in every pub toilet that they find. At the end, they have a threesome, the guys feel guilty and never speak again, and she swims out to sea, leaving the viewer assuming that she dies. Oh, and you’re not supposed to know she had cancer till the end. It’s supposed to be an excuse for her being a whore. If it is, I really need to warn my poor mother, a woman who has dedicated at least the last four years to developing and modernising palliative care units in Scotland. My favourite bit of the movie was actually in the deleted scenes. For some reason, the directors thought it best to take out the bit where a fifteen-year-old girl gets fucked by a goat-man. Anyway, I hope that the quality of this movie now shows you just how weird some people’s parents are. Now think what yours are like.

Euan secretly loves me. I know he does. My suspicions were all proved truths when he got his new email address. His is “euan_menzies@hotmail.co.uk”. It doesn’t take a ridiculously keen eyes person to notice the similarities to my email address, “paul_mccallum@hotmail.co.uk” which I have had for 4 years now. Maybe you don’t all notice it. But when you consider that some of our friends have emails like “amadeo.unicorn”, “personalidiot”, “krazy_kit” and “shadowillumination”, I think it’s clear to see he loves me, or idolises me at best. Luckily for him, it’s mutual.

Euan's Diary; 04.07.08

I saw MGS4 today. Iain has borrowed it from Euan, which I think is weird because poor wee Euan only got it like two weeks ago. Euan is so generous. He always gives people stuff. This one time he decided not to be generous and was really rude to a homeless junkie. The poor junkie only wanted 40p and Euan refused to give it to him. I don’t know what Euan did to upset the poor man so much, but we read in the paper the next day that he was arrested, because he walked down the street and hospitalised somebody. Well done, Euan. I can't wait till you get stopped by some charity asking for a standing order of £5 a month.

Euan is also great at computer games. He has such nimble hands… I bet he’s great in bed.
I haven’t seen Euan enough in the holidays so far, which is a shame. Euan’s family always go on weird holidays into the hills. Whenever you see any family photos of his, he is always wearing a backpack on a hill, in the middle of nowhere. I don’t think he enjoys walking. His Dad does and I am sure that Euan only goes with his family to impress them and so that they love him more.

Euan’s little brother is going out with my little brother’s ex-girlfriend. What a coincidence. I guess it runs in the family.

Every time Euan takes a girl’s virginity, he changes his MSN name to a Red Hot Chilli Pepper’s song called “Breaking the Girl”. I haven’t decided if it’s creepy of cute yet. It’s definitely meandering around the creepy.

I love Euan.

Euan's Diary; 30.05.08

Euan had Weetabix for breakfast today. He likes it. Then he came to school and I asked him some questions; he answered. Euan seemed a wee bit upset though, he wasn't smiling and I think it's cause he never hugged his Dad last night before bed. Euan rarely hugs his parents. He doesn't like showing them too many emotions. When they ask him how he is, he just says, "fine"... I hope he gets over this one day, for his own sake.

Euan's first class was Product Design, but he barely worked. Then he came and sat in the library with his little brother, Niall. Euan and Niall have a weird relationship. They are oddly close to each other, but they like it, so each to their own. Aemilia stole Euan's seat, and he looked discontented. She is always mean to Euan; I'll sort her out (EDIT: And with the use of hinsight, I really did. Edinburgh.)

Euan doesn't seem to like the diary. I don't know why. I always try to do nice things for him, but he never respects the effort I put in to them.

Euan spoke to Emma about something. Neither Emma nor I seemed to understand what he was speaking about. I think it's Final Fantasy.

Euan has nice eyes. I really like them... everyone does. They're so blue, yet grey. I think it captures both aspects of his life. The sunny, with the rainy.

Euan did that little sigh that he always does when I do something nice for him. It upsets me.
I made a film of Euan. He likes it. He might be a big movie start one day.

I realised why Euan is grumpy today. He went to a concert last night and is tired. Euan also has sensitive ears. He always complains when I sing for him, and I think listening to "Scouting for Girls" may have had the same affect. I hope he feels better soon.

I told Euan that he'd get his £10 back that I owe him. He gave me a sarcastic "yeah..."... I don't know what else I can do to make him happy. I am even trying my hardest to get money back to him that he kindly lent to me. I'll keep trying harder to make him smile.

Euan went to his climbing wall club tonight. He has been a member for like a month or so now. I remember the first time we both went to the climbing wall. It was on a person who is now dead’s birthday. We were both the best at it, but I was a wee bit better because I had a bit more upper body strength than Euan. No offence to him, but he was a wee bit fat back then. He is now skinny but misses being fat. He fills his pockets with so much crap every day, just so he can pretend that he is “one of them”… why not, it makes him happy. I hope he always enjoys his climbing. It’s nice for him to have a hobby where he can meet other people.

Getting the Juices Going.

Paul smells like roses and grasshoppers until one very eventful session of poon-tang when dragons sprayed him with the finest perfume in the land and said to him he was like the jaded expression on the face of a homeless diver, who's soul had been dragged through is eyes into the depths of the apocalypse. And Satan said unto him:

"It's in the eyes of a man who,
has lost all he can, left his children and
ran."

Paul's face was one of elated desperation. His clammy hands, grasping, fondling, caressing Euan's squidgy chin. His desperation turned to sheer ecstasy, as Euan's chin squidged in too far, causing a little bit of single cream to come out his left nipple. They both frolicked into a blissful slumber.

Everybody look at the moon. Everybody seeing the moon. The moon is bright; so milky white. Everybody look at the moon.

Euan, Euan
Euan where have you gone.
Euan, Euan
Euan where have you gone.