Bus Musings 8

On the way to the bus today, I realised that there were no homeless on the streets. Now, I realise it's only the second of January, so there is really nobody on the streets, but the street dwellers? Surely they'd still be on the street. You're not going to tell me that they're away home for 'the holidays'.

When I first moved into my flat over a year ago, it was the first time I had to see homelessness on a daily basis. I lived in the country before moving into the centre of town. We had murders in the woods, but not a whiff of homeless people (I'm not saying them smell, but they do), which is weird, because surely they would have heard of Rasputin and his forest dwelling ways, or maybe they're homeless and have bigger problems to contend with, than keep abreast of minor Russian historical figures.

I don't know. This isn't even that funny, but it is a musing.

Anyway, my story. I had just moved into my flat and was staying in and getting drunk with friends. My friend Iain, as always, got the most drunk. He was shouting at the homeless from the safety of my warm flat (because I was still naive enough to put the heating on). We thought it was hilarious at the time, but I regret it now. I don't even know that rough sleeper's name. I think she's dead now.

A Review of 2010 with Daniel Taylor, Part 2.

Bob - Film

I almost forgot how many great films came out in 2010. Well, not necessarily great films, but films I anticipated so much I wet myself more than once. The amazing and ridiculous iron man 2 was finally released this year, after I watched the trailer literally every day. The Expendables and A Team were also released after what seemed like a century of waiting, to mixed reviews. Kooky, clever, and amazing comic-book comedies tailor-made for our generation were bought out in the form of the superb Kick ass and it's little brother, Scott Pilgrim. Of course, 2010 was overshadowed by being the year 3d clawed itself out of the lead lined tomb it had been buried in since the 80's, and has been plastered over cinema with a vengeance. Still, nothing can take away from the fact that 2010 was home to two of the best films I've seen - Inception and Toy Story 3

Favourite film 2010

Inception

Ohh!! So hard to decide on a number one favourite, but Christopher Nolan’s mind-fuckingly brilliant dream-epic takes the psychological biscuit this year. Although subject to (fair) ridicule by some critics, it's a film that even after multiple viewings still makes me clap like a retarded nursery character. Amazing performances, a riveting and complex story, great ideas, and breathtaking visuals, it was refreshing to see a movie lift itself up from all the other garbage that is thrown at film fans.

Runners up

Toy Story 3, kick ass, and machete

Yes, I have had to do three runners up because I could see no way to leave any of these great films off my list. Toy story 3 surpassed everyone's wildest expectations, proving that pixar could easily follow (and better) their previous efforts. Not only did the third film in the franchise entertain both adults and young children, it catered for and thanked the (now much older) loyal toy story fan base. And yes, I cried at the end.

Kick ass was not only one of the best comedies of the year, but of the last ten years. Taking a thankfully refreshing spin on the superhero genre, it...well it kicked ass. It was unbelievably funny, witty, clever, and contained some of the most memorable and well directed fight scenes (and death scene) I've ever seen. Also, much respect to Nicholas cage for his excellent Adam west style superhero.

Machete. Well holy shit. Where all the big budget action films failed this year, machete succeeded. I can't really do machete justice in a few sentences. For said justice, read my review.

Most disappointing film of 2010

The Expendables

Now, I enjoyed this film. I expected to. A lot was made of the ensemble cast, and that's what got me excited. This was the 80's action film that never was... and I love ridiculous 80's action films. However, Stallone fucked it up. It wasn't a bad film; it just could have been so much more. Instead of hamming it up and playing with the ??? of the movies it was emulating, it just didn't push it far enough. For an example of what he should have done, see Machete.

The Phantom Menace

I know this film was released originally years ago now, but I was disappointed by it so much that I don't think I ever wont be. It failed so badly that the disappointment it created will reverberate through space and time, for all eternity as a warning. As long as there exists somewhere a copy of that film, I will be disappointed.

Paul – Film

This year in film was okay. I don’t want to copy all of Bob’s choices, so I’ll just say that Inception was great, if not far too drawn out in the last hour. It did claw back some shadow of its former self, though, when at the end it turned out that it was obviously all a dream. It did keep spinning, so don’t argue, or I’ll fight you.

Favourite Film

Crazy Heart

Now I know I’m going to come across as an old man and I know that this film is in fact from 2009, but Crazy Heart was the best film I saw in 2010. It was the perfect film. There was love, action, alcoholism and country music. If you’ve seen The Wrestler, then you’ll know the rough story.

Jeff Bridges (in one of his best roles of his life) plays an aging alcoholic country singer, who once had been a stadium-filler, but now plays small gigs in pubs, repeating his most famous song over and over.

There’s not much else I can say about this film, other than that it is amazing. If you love the story of a man overcoming his struggles, then you’ll love this. If you don’t, then crack on a porno and crack out some jizz, cause that’s all you’re good for.

Runner up

Scott Pilgrim vs. The World

From the second that the pixelated universal logo came onto the screen, I was laughing my little geeky pants off. The jokes were so layered and so expected of Edgar Wright. The man hasn’t made a bad film or TV programme ever, so my expectations were high when I went to see Scott Pilgrim and he still managed to blow me out of the water, like a shark with a tendency to suck cock without biting (or with, if that’s your thing).

Everything about this film tickled my generation, but sadly, only my generation. If you hadn’t grown up with Zelda and Mario as Godparents, then you wouldn’t get most of the jokes.

The fight scenes were so ridiculous and as such were the best I can remember from a film, but then again, Bob still hasn’t sat me down to watch Machete.

I can’t do it justice in a few sentences, so if you’re aged between 14 and 27, go and watch it. You’ll find a whole new side of yourself. Hopefully it’s not a mass murdering, paedophile side. If it is, you can’t sue me or Scott Pilgrim, because I won’t listen and he’ll get dragons to kick your ass.

Most Disappointing Film of 2010

Now I know I said I wouldn’t copy Bob’s films, but this next shit storm of a film just can’t be left out.

The Expendables

Worst film ever. The premise was great; lots of the golden-oldie ass kickers getting together and kicking ass. The main problem with the film was that it took itself seriously (watch RED for a film with the same premise, but done well). Jason Statham hanging from a plane and then God knows what happening and then an explosion was just too much shite at once to keep me interested.

And most importantly; Sylvester Stallone looks like he wasn’t acting in the Rocky films. His face has been so battered in the last 60 years of his life, that they might as well have reanimated the corpse of his mother (she’ll be dead soon. I promise) and got her to play his role. When he went back to the island to save the 20-year-old woman that for some reason loved him, I just couldn’t understand why, but today instead of a runner up film, I’ll bring you that reason.

The Reason That The Hot Girl Loved A Face-Mangled Sixty Year Old

Her daddy fucked her.

Good night everyone and God bless.

Euan's 2010

This entry is more for the people who don't give a fuck about me and Bob, or John Simons (I think the PC term is mongs, but I'm not sure). Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Euan's breakdown of 2010!

It really has been a busy year for little Euan Menzies. He'd tell you that so much has happened to him in 2010, but I'll tell you the truth. If you hadn't seen Euan since 2005 and bumped into him today, it'd be like the world's hardest game of spot the difference. In fact, it'd be rigged, because he hasn't changed at all. He still wears the same clothes (even down to the underwear), he still lacks basic human emotion and he's still hilariously funny to stare at for slightly too long.

We've established that he hasn't changed, so let's work out what has happened in the last year to the sausage skin filled with mashed potatoes that is Ms Menzies.

In January, Euan did nothing, because he was still hibernating and nursing his nonsey nogin from his new year hangover. He literally slept for a month. He thought he woke up at one point, but then realised that he was just dreaming on level 3.

In February Euan started casual racism. He was jokingly racist about the dirty foreigners who work in Istanbul. He also started speaking to himself a lot; which I now realise he does constantly. I'm used to it though.

In March Euan booked a flight to visit a stray dog in Thailand, but never went because of a problem with his heart he was having. They say he couldn't fly and that I had to be nice to him for a while. I see that didn't last.

In April Euan rolled a chocolate egg down a hill in the name of the father, the son and the...fuck it, he can have one name like all of us...he did it for God, okay? God! Not a holy spirit or a man with no penis who is also his own dad. Just God.

In May Euan's heart problem was getting better and he finished second year of uni. He did as you'd expect for a man of his meager, mong-esque mental capacity.

In June Euan turned into his twenties and we all had a lovely party and I wasn't sick so stop making fun cause it never happened and you're all dicks. Also he saw his brother having sex.

In July Euan was still 20 and acting 53.

In August, Euan wasted away his life by playing a lot of bad computer games, but it makes him happy, so let him (don't. Bully him and write blogs about it)

In September we want back to uni and Euan said something about all women loving a squashed toffee. This inspired me and I haven't stopped writing nearly daily blogs since.

In October Euan dressed up as Halloween. He looked...with his eyes.

In November Euan wanked himself silly in the living room and thought we never knew. He also ate pigs trotters, which he says was his favourite thing of the year, but after seeing how furiously he masturbated in November, I don’t believe him.

In December, Euan drank toilet water.

Well, that was long and drawn out, but it had to he said. I wonder what 2011 will hold for him. Whatever it is, you'll find the truth behind his actions here at Euania; Chronicles thereof.

Christian Musings

Right, here we go.

The father, the son and the holy spirit are all the same thing. That means that God, Jesus and whoever the spirit is (Santa?) are the same person. It also means that God, although being Jesus, is also Jesus' dad.

My favourite part about this, that took me 20 years yo realise is that God kept all the good powers for himself. Was he scared that his Son would grow up and usurp him? Think about it like this;

God has the power to create the universe in an instant. Then he has time for a nap (which he didn't need, cause he's God) and then come back every day for the next 5, to create little things like animals, man and light.

Jesus has the power to turn water into wine and to make tuna sandwiches last for almost a whole party.

I really don't think God made it very fair for his son at all. He can do all of this amazing universe creating, sea parting stuff, and his poor wee son gets fishy, bready wine powers. If anything, Jesus is French. I know he could throw an amazing party for 11 close friends and 1 cunt, but when compared to ten plagues and using a burning bush as wifi, he really has all of the shit powers.



Oh, and if it wasn't for being able to sneak around in heavy boots, Santa would be powerless, too.

Not a very fair distribution of powers from a supposedly benevolent God at all, I'd say.

A Review of 2010 with Daniel Taylor, Part 1.

So, two thousand and ten has almost passed, fading away like Sam Henderson's patience with humanity. Much has risen and fallen back down again, many great political and world shaking events. This year deserves a documentation of sorts, so that future generations may look back, digital archaeologists scouring the Internet and one day stumbling upon this blog. The world has changed much since 2009, and mankind has grown just a little, for better or for worse.

But fuck that, here's what myself and Paul thought of 2010. Or rather, what we enjoyed and hated in 2010.

Bob - TV

It's been a remarkable year for television. While the X-Factor and the assembled army of celebrity reality shows have plowed their way through the nations consciousness, the alternative choice has been rather grand. Or at least, it has for me. Finally after what seemed like a millennium, the amazing Futurama was renewed for a new series, this time on Comedy Central. Fortunately, the animated sci-fi show hasn't gone the way of The Simpsons, and instead remains as laugh-out-loud funny as ever.

Earlier this year Matt Smith picked up the role as the eleventh Doctor Who, replacing the seemingly irreplaceable David Tennant. They also had the sense to bring in new writers, and so out went the old cringe worthy "BBCness" and in with some new surprisingly well written new scripts. American Dad and 30 Rock also started a new series the arse end of this year, and are still refusing to stop being funny. The same can be said for Peep Show, which is still (still!) feeling as fresh and as cringeworthingly hilarious as ever. I could go on forever about what else I watched this year, but I hear Paul's literary genius knocking on the word door.

Favourite TV show 2010

American Dad!

It still makes me laugh more than anything, and just shows how much Family Guy has gone downhill. Much darker this season as well, which is always a good thing.

Runners up

Doctor Who and Futurama

I cant decide which show I looked forward to the most. It had a happy ending though - Futurama (as mentioned) is still as good as it ever was (despite some filler episodes), and the new Doctor Who almost made me not miss David Tennant. Almost.

Most disappointing TV show

How I met your mother

While there were still a few laughs, the show is feeling really drawn out now - they should have ended it a couple of seasons ago. The storyline's have been as thin as to be almost non-existent, and the characters are now just shadows of what they once were. I swear to god if they don't introduce the mother soon, I'm going to kill someone. Or just stop watching.

Runner up

Southpark

Yeah I know. I hate saying bad things about one of my favourite TV shows of all time. In all honesty, it has been as funny (almost) and as clever as it always was. The only problem is that they seem to have run out of large issues to tackle. Now, it has become really topical - a satirical take on what has been happening in the news recently. While there has been some stand out episodes (the 200th special particularly), it feels like it should have ended while at it's peak a few seasons ago.

PAUL - TV

So the year of the tiger (or just 2010 if you don’t believe in China) is almost over. It’s been a helluva year. We’ve seen more job loses everywhere, student protests and most importantly Leona Lewis lost the X Factor for the second year in a row (When will they learn that we just don’t care). The year of the tiger really has been weird for lots of reasons, but I, like Bob, would like to start with the television.

Favourite TV Show

Modern Family

Now a lot of people reading this will not have heard of, never mind have seen, Modern Family. It was dreamt up in 2009 by the creator of Frasier. As a huge Frasier fan, I wasn’t holding my breath when I watched the first episode, but by the end of it, I was struggling for breath because I was laughing so much.

It is, without a doubt, one of the most ingenious and simple premises for a television show ever. It is in the style of a mocumentary; the style that Ricky Gervais created with The Office; but instead of setting it in an office it is set in three family homes. The show follows the life of a father, his gay son and his mental daughter and their families. There is a documentary team in each of their houses and their daily lives are followed. Of course, because it’s on TV they don’t life normal lives at all and this is where the humour derives from.

I don’t think I’ve done it any justice in this description, so I’ll just say that the father (who is in his 60s) is married to Sofia Vergara from Baywatch (who is much hotter now in her 30s and easily, in my opinion, the hottest woman on the planet, except Jess.)

Runner Up

Like Bob, it’s either got to be American Dad for it’s increasingly funny episodes it manages to put out after 6 seasons, or Doctor Who. I never thought I’d like the new doctor. I even shouted at the TV when he first appeared, made fun of his massive chin (just realised that both Stan from American Dad and The Doctor have massive chins. Coincidence? I THINK NOT) and hated him from the first second, but by the second second or the third second I was in love with him and his new assistant. Especially his new assistant, if you catch my drift (If you don’t, it’s cause she’s hot (if you needed that bit, stop reading now.))

Most Disappointing Show of 2010

Glee

Dear Glee,

I loved you. Why have you done this to me? I am not in the slightest afraid to admit that I cried at several of your first season episodes or that I think Sue Sylvester is one of the best characters ever created. I was so excited for season two of you, that I watched all of season one again, just to get into that mood that only a Gleek knows. Remember that mood? The warm and fuzzy insides mood? Well you DUCKING WELL SHOULDN’T! What was good about you Glee, was that you were always light hearted, always funny and always with a semi serious undertone that never made itself too aware until those episodes (which I liked the least, but still loved) where you had to drive the story with one less song and a bit more dialogue. I could accept that.

When I turned on season two and saw the gay one (Kurt? I can’t remember now, because you’re RUINED IT) singing The Beatles “Hold your hand” to his inexplicably comatose father, I wanted to fucking kill you. Why did you start being so in your face and ridiculous? So American? Your undertones were almost Shakespearean. You were beautiful.

And one more thing? To give Britney a whole episode and then to have Meatloaf play a 43 second cameo is a fucking outrage and you should all die.

No Longer Yours,

A former Gleek.

Ps; I hope season three starts with a columbine style massacre and the glee club is reduced to the wheelchair one.

Still to come; our review of film and possibly even news, if we can muster ourselves to watch it. For more of Bob's ball achingly funny (my balls ache) blogs, click here. Or don't. But you'll never know how Friends should have ended and you'll never know true love.

Euan Drank Toilet Water

At Jess' birthday party the other day, Euan did a shot of toilet water.

He said he couldn't find a big enough shot glass.
It wasn't even a dare

And he fucking loved it.

'John Simons' - Part 3

John awoke to the sound of renovation. It was a noise he was used to, but hadn't heard in too long. His dad was always decorating their house and he could tell from the hammering alone that it was him downstairs.

He stood up and yawned. He felt so lethargic. The kind of lethargy you get from only being awake for 13 hours in the last year. He was excited to see his dad again, but was annoyed that nobody had been there when he woke up in the hospital.

He crept down the stairs, so as to not shock his dad too much. Half way down the stairs, the hammering stopped. He ran down the remaining stairs, half expecting his dad to have already seen him coming. What he hadn't expected is the room he saw when he got there.

The hallway had been decorated. It might not have been as nice as it once had been, but compared to the piss stained walls of the day before, it was palatial. There was a note on the hallway table;

"Gone out for more nails. Hope John's feeling better today. If you're up to it, why not paint the gate today? x"

He could tell it was his father from the handwriting. It was childlike, but still neater than his own. Maybe painting the gate wasn't a bad idea.