Moving Home.

Oi. Fuckheads.

I did start with "ladies and gentlemen", but then I changed it. I know which you prefer.

So yeah. We're moving home. The fact that Euan bummed Aslan is no longer something that is lingering in the public memory. They have something else to worry about now. Something much bigger and scarier. Euan once bummed Aslan, but now it's time for Aslan's revenge.

If anybody wants to come and visit our new home at LTWW, I'll be more than happy to open the door for you.

Thanks to everybody who read any of these words. They've made me realise what I want to do with my life.

My biggest thanks has to go out to the man himself though. The long haired, pudgy faced freak that he is; Mr Euan "dead behind the eyes" Menzies.

Good night. I'll hopefully see you all soon.

Farewell stats

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I'm Ill

So this my 100^th post. It’s long overdue if you ask me. I mean, it’s not going to be the 100 post special, but it is the 100^th post. I want to say; I hope you understand, but I’m sure you do. If you don’t understand, here’s something that you might find more amusing; something more fitting to one of your intellect.

Now that we’ve got that out of the way. I’m ill. I don’t ever like to moan about being ill, but I do. I often do things I don’t like, though. Such as ironing (I haven’t ironed any clothes for like a year) and reading about celebrities. You just can’t help yourself sometimes, though. You get to work and there’s nothing to read apart from a 4-page spread about Jordan (the slag)’s latest attempt at spreading her genes. She failed the first time, you think she’s learn by now. Like a dyspraxic Midus, everything she touches turns to shit. Which brings me round to my headache; I sometimes dream that she sneaks into my room and massages my brain. It’s not sexual (it is), but it’s still nice.

I don’t even know what I’m talking about, but such is the joy of illness. You don’t need to make sense. If I had said any of this stuff 60-years-ago, I would have been locked up and given electro shock treatment.

Euan was given electro shock treatment once. They were attempting to give him emotions, but we all know well that went.

Dear Tesco,

I don’t know any better way to start this blog, other than; I fucking hate Tesco. Now I know that you may call me a hypocrite, because I still shop at Tesco, but people do things they hate every day out of necessity. Oscar Wilde stayed in a marriage for years, because if he left his wife, it would be obvious that he was gay. It doesn’t mean that he was a hypocrite; it just shows that necessity sometimes outweighs ideology.

I am a student and don’t have what the middle aged, middle classed and middle management call “disposable income”, because of this I have to buy my wares at a shop with more “buy one get one free” offers than anywhere else. I can accept that. I know that the second I start earning some real money in life, I will stop shopping at that detritus-filled, building of the damned.

2010 was not a good year for Tesco. Comedian and self confessed ‘prick’ Ray Peacock led an attack on Tesco through his hilarious podcast with his mate Ed Gamble (who also claims to be a comedian, but the judges are still out on that).

Last year, Tesco sold knifes and fireworks, but threw people out of their shops for having hoods. They sold alcohol that definitely killed people, but they dragged a young disabled boy out of his wheelchair, because his Mum gave him a bit of chicken to keep him quiet while she shopped.

This is just a glimpse of how shit Tesco are.

ANYWAY. This all seems too serious. Here is my problem with Tesco;

They are shite.

Yesterday I popped into Tesco to get some food (potato waffles, etc). I got to the self service counter, which pisses me off on a whole new level. I can’t even start to understand how they are getting away with that. To save money, they’ve hired machines to do peoples’ jobs. In out current economic climate, how can that be fair? There’re not enough jobs as it is so how can giving computers our jobs help? I just want to kick Henry in the face; fucking smug excuse for a dyson.

So I got to the self service, because there were no people other than an old bitch working. I say she was working. She was doing that thing that they do at Tesco. She was in charge of the machines (I hope they go Terminator on her one day) and by in charge, I mean that she walked about and had to tell them off every 30 seconds. For computers, they are shit computers. They don’t do what you tell them. You scan an item, you sit it on the scales and then it bleeps and tells you that you’re committing some kind of Tesco crime. It assumes that you’re constantly trying to steal and cheat the system.

I scanned my first item. I sat it on the scales. BEEP BEEP BEEP. The old woman tutted, walked over and waved a fob at the computer screen. I smiled and laughed and she ignored me and walked away. I scanned my second item. I sat it on the scales. BEEP BEEP BEEP. She walked over, tutted and shook her head and waved her fob at the screen. I again smiled and she walked away. I scanned my third item. I sat it on the scales. BEEP BEEP BEEP TUTTING. You get the idea.

This happened for each of my twelve items. 36 beeps, 12 tutts and 12 fob flashes.

I have never seen anybody that hated their job so much. The premise is one of the oldest jobs in the world; she is largely a shepherd for computer sheep and she hates it, but not as much as I hate Tesco.

This blog isn’t as funny, because I tried to write is more seriously, so that my argument has some integrity. It’s still better than the letter I wrote for Tesco;

Dear Tesco,

Cunts.

I happily await your reply.

Paul McCallum.

Paul and Euan Finally Do It

I have achieved. I could die tonight and I know I’d go happily. When my life flashes before my eyes, I’ll rush past it all and just enjoy what happened last night between me and Euan.

I’ll give you some back story;

1) Euan has woken up numerous times in his life, mid-coital (I think that’s the term). He literally wakes up having sex.

2) I have a friend called Mhairi who I’ve known my whole life.

3) Last night my girlfriend Jess and Mhairi got very drunk and Mhairi decided to stay here at my flat, in my bed with my girlfriend (nothing happened. I’ve asked them and they both suspiciously told me so (*cough*))

I think you all see the problem here. Mhairi is sleeping in my bed and that leaves me bedless and without the possibility to sleep in the living room on the two comfy couches (hehe).

After a LOT of convincing that I wouldn’t do “anything weird”, Euan said I could stay in his bed with him. The average person would think I was taking a risk by sleeping in a bed with a known sleep-sexer, but I thought it would be worth it for this blog alone and who cares about the average person? The average person has a low IQ and 50% of people, by definition, are more stupid than that.

So yeah. We slept together. It finally happened. He has finally cracked. I don’t know what it was that made him start to trust me. Maybe it was the out of date flake I bought him the other day. I really don’t know.

The sleep was quite nice. I woke up for the first time at about 7.30, which is great, because I usually wake up several times at night, starting at about 4. I guess I just felt safe with him nuzzled beside me.

I don’t think he sexed me in the night (even though I was naked), but when I woke up at 7.30, he was awake and my big toe was all covered in slobbers. It’s fine though, cause he said a big dog did it. I’m so lucky I had my big man there to save me from the big dog.

If anyone thinks this is a lie, you’re actually wrong this time. This is all entirely true. I am genuinely as amazed as you are. And yes, I did have to move the squashed toffee from under his pillow.

Bus Musings 10

The bus prices have gone up. What kind of sick world do we live in? Buses are the main form of transport for the poor. I'm not saying I'm poor, but look at how many buses I get.

I am genuinely pissed off. Nothing on the bus is better. They said they were putting prices up to match inflation and to pay for the new services they provide. Who the fuck is using wifi on the 15 to Whitfield though? What a waste of fucking money.

They might not have only been using it to pay for the wifi. Maybe it's also for the shitty seats, which haven't been changed this millennium, or the duct tape, which is holding the fucking, blundering death trap together.

If I see anything in the world, which hasn't been increased by 15p today, I'm going to write a letter of complaint to Dundee city council. How middle class am I? Or maybe I'm trying to prove I'm not poor.

You know who else I hate? Fucking Tesco. Time to work though. Blog to follow shortly.

Bus Musings 9

I just ran for the bus. Why do people ever run for buses? Are people (me included) ever in that much of a hurry. I can't think of one time I've ever been going anywhere that urgently. If I'd missed this bus and got the next one in 10 minutes, I would have been like 3 minutes late for work. Nobody would have cared.

I'm the only one on my department at work who hasn't either been very late or failed to turn up this week. One girl even changed the rota so it said she was off on Wednesday. She literally drew a line through her shift and never turned up. Then she told our boss that he did it. I've never been so audacious.

Time for work. Bet I’m the only one in.

Euan's New Phone

Euan got a new phone for Christmas. I say he got a new phone, he didn't. All he got for Christmas was hints.
There is some truth behind this phone nonsense though. He has got a new phone, but because his parents don't love him enough, it's just his brother's old phone. He's never cared too much for phones, though, so it's all gravy with him (not actual gravy, he doesn't speak to meat stock and hope his friends hear him.)

I never knew how little he cared about phones until today though. Euan turned to me ans asked me if I wanted to marry a witch. I entertained him by pretending they were real for a while, but then I realised that he had a dirty wee agenda, so asked him why he would want to marry a witch. He told me that it'd be great, because you wouldn't have to have a phone. If you wanted to speak to your wife, you "would just whisper into a feather and then blow it into the wind".

I don't know why this is a preferable form of communication for him, but it is, so why not. His new idea for facebook is that he wants us to gently lick letters into a camel's bumhole. I don't think it'll take off.

Bus Musings 8

On the way to the bus today, I realised that there were no homeless on the streets. Now, I realise it's only the second of January, so there is really nobody on the streets, but the street dwellers? Surely they'd still be on the street. You're not going to tell me that they're away home for 'the holidays'.

When I first moved into my flat over a year ago, it was the first time I had to see homelessness on a daily basis. I lived in the country before moving into the centre of town. We had murders in the woods, but not a whiff of homeless people (I'm not saying them smell, but they do), which is weird, because surely they would have heard of Rasputin and his forest dwelling ways, or maybe they're homeless and have bigger problems to contend with, than keep abreast of minor Russian historical figures.

I don't know. This isn't even that funny, but it is a musing.

Anyway, my story. I had just moved into my flat and was staying in and getting drunk with friends. My friend Iain, as always, got the most drunk. He was shouting at the homeless from the safety of my warm flat (because I was still naive enough to put the heating on). We thought it was hilarious at the time, but I regret it now. I don't even know that rough sleeper's name. I think she's dead now.

A Review of 2010 with Daniel Taylor, Part 2.

Bob - Film

I almost forgot how many great films came out in 2010. Well, not necessarily great films, but films I anticipated so much I wet myself more than once. The amazing and ridiculous iron man 2 was finally released this year, after I watched the trailer literally every day. The Expendables and A Team were also released after what seemed like a century of waiting, to mixed reviews. Kooky, clever, and amazing comic-book comedies tailor-made for our generation were bought out in the form of the superb Kick ass and it's little brother, Scott Pilgrim. Of course, 2010 was overshadowed by being the year 3d clawed itself out of the lead lined tomb it had been buried in since the 80's, and has been plastered over cinema with a vengeance. Still, nothing can take away from the fact that 2010 was home to two of the best films I've seen - Inception and Toy Story 3

Favourite film 2010

Inception

Ohh!! So hard to decide on a number one favourite, but Christopher Nolan’s mind-fuckingly brilliant dream-epic takes the psychological biscuit this year. Although subject to (fair) ridicule by some critics, it's a film that even after multiple viewings still makes me clap like a retarded nursery character. Amazing performances, a riveting and complex story, great ideas, and breathtaking visuals, it was refreshing to see a movie lift itself up from all the other garbage that is thrown at film fans.

Runners up

Toy Story 3, kick ass, and machete

Yes, I have had to do three runners up because I could see no way to leave any of these great films off my list. Toy story 3 surpassed everyone's wildest expectations, proving that pixar could easily follow (and better) their previous efforts. Not only did the third film in the franchise entertain both adults and young children, it catered for and thanked the (now much older) loyal toy story fan base. And yes, I cried at the end.

Kick ass was not only one of the best comedies of the year, but of the last ten years. Taking a thankfully refreshing spin on the superhero genre, it...well it kicked ass. It was unbelievably funny, witty, clever, and contained some of the most memorable and well directed fight scenes (and death scene) I've ever seen. Also, much respect to Nicholas cage for his excellent Adam west style superhero.

Machete. Well holy shit. Where all the big budget action films failed this year, machete succeeded. I can't really do machete justice in a few sentences. For said justice, read my review.

Most disappointing film of 2010

The Expendables

Now, I enjoyed this film. I expected to. A lot was made of the ensemble cast, and that's what got me excited. This was the 80's action film that never was... and I love ridiculous 80's action films. However, Stallone fucked it up. It wasn't a bad film; it just could have been so much more. Instead of hamming it up and playing with the ??? of the movies it was emulating, it just didn't push it far enough. For an example of what he should have done, see Machete.

The Phantom Menace

I know this film was released originally years ago now, but I was disappointed by it so much that I don't think I ever wont be. It failed so badly that the disappointment it created will reverberate through space and time, for all eternity as a warning. As long as there exists somewhere a copy of that film, I will be disappointed.

Paul – Film

This year in film was okay. I don’t want to copy all of Bob’s choices, so I’ll just say that Inception was great, if not far too drawn out in the last hour. It did claw back some shadow of its former self, though, when at the end it turned out that it was obviously all a dream. It did keep spinning, so don’t argue, or I’ll fight you.

Favourite Film

Crazy Heart

Now I know I’m going to come across as an old man and I know that this film is in fact from 2009, but Crazy Heart was the best film I saw in 2010. It was the perfect film. There was love, action, alcoholism and country music. If you’ve seen The Wrestler, then you’ll know the rough story.

Jeff Bridges (in one of his best roles of his life) plays an aging alcoholic country singer, who once had been a stadium-filler, but now plays small gigs in pubs, repeating his most famous song over and over.

There’s not much else I can say about this film, other than that it is amazing. If you love the story of a man overcoming his struggles, then you’ll love this. If you don’t, then crack on a porno and crack out some jizz, cause that’s all you’re good for.

Runner up

Scott Pilgrim vs. The World

From the second that the pixelated universal logo came onto the screen, I was laughing my little geeky pants off. The jokes were so layered and so expected of Edgar Wright. The man hasn’t made a bad film or TV programme ever, so my expectations were high when I went to see Scott Pilgrim and he still managed to blow me out of the water, like a shark with a tendency to suck cock without biting (or with, if that’s your thing).

Everything about this film tickled my generation, but sadly, only my generation. If you hadn’t grown up with Zelda and Mario as Godparents, then you wouldn’t get most of the jokes.

The fight scenes were so ridiculous and as such were the best I can remember from a film, but then again, Bob still hasn’t sat me down to watch Machete.

I can’t do it justice in a few sentences, so if you’re aged between 14 and 27, go and watch it. You’ll find a whole new side of yourself. Hopefully it’s not a mass murdering, paedophile side. If it is, you can’t sue me or Scott Pilgrim, because I won’t listen and he’ll get dragons to kick your ass.

Most Disappointing Film of 2010

Now I know I said I wouldn’t copy Bob’s films, but this next shit storm of a film just can’t be left out.

The Expendables

Worst film ever. The premise was great; lots of the golden-oldie ass kickers getting together and kicking ass. The main problem with the film was that it took itself seriously (watch RED for a film with the same premise, but done well). Jason Statham hanging from a plane and then God knows what happening and then an explosion was just too much shite at once to keep me interested.

And most importantly; Sylvester Stallone looks like he wasn’t acting in the Rocky films. His face has been so battered in the last 60 years of his life, that they might as well have reanimated the corpse of his mother (she’ll be dead soon. I promise) and got her to play his role. When he went back to the island to save the 20-year-old woman that for some reason loved him, I just couldn’t understand why, but today instead of a runner up film, I’ll bring you that reason.

The Reason That The Hot Girl Loved A Face-Mangled Sixty Year Old

Her daddy fucked her.

Good night everyone and God bless.