The Crepuscular Being That Is

So, the keen-eyed (Mhairi) and long-faced (not Iain) among you will have noticed a distinct lack of activity in the land of Euania recently. I would love to say it's because his bustling social life keeps him out to all hours and I rarely see him, but no, this is not the case. It is not drunken, student-esque debauchery that preoccupies the vast majority of Euan's time, but sleep. That my children, is why I'd like to pull back the iron, yale-branded curtain into Euan's sleeping life.

As aforementioned, the Euan is a crepuscular being, only being seen awake during twilight hours. He usually gets up at around 2pm and crawls morosely back into his nest at around 4am...such is the life of a video gamer. Furthermore, if ever a line of questions boldely steps onto this subject, Euan abruptly goes into a cream puff and refuses to admit it to be the truth. Now I know it may be daring for somebody who has been starting work at 11pm and getting home at 5am to say somebody else's sleeping patterns are ridiculous, but my God this boy is a freak. I bet this is why the Dodo died out...

If only I had a way to record the beautiful sound of Euan sleeping. I am sitting at his door now, and it's surreal. It sounds like a manatee making love to a goat, to death. One second he sounds graceful, but then he reeks it back in with a startled and confused yelp, that in the great words of Johnny Cash; "would be the envy of most any man". "Envy of [...] men" for one reason and one reason only: when Euan sleeps he is more manly than at any other time. If you ask him to tell you something manly about himself, he'll point to a tiny scar on his head and say "the doctor makes me massage it, but I don't do it, 'cause I like my scars." Not to belittle Euan's fantastic quarter inch oddity, but it's where he got a superfluous papillary removed... that's right, an extra nipple. Not so manly after all.

Trouser Sausage

Should you go through life flexing your blood muscle with every random girl that's up for it, until you find one that is too good just for the old pelvic thrust? Somebody who you want to spend time with. Or do you hold back from doing much with any women, because you're worried you're taking advantage of them, until you find the right one?

Anyway, just a wee pondering I've been adoing. But yeah, back to the dirty old pervert that is Euan;

• He is disabled. He really is. The boy has some kind of weird allergy that flares up whenever ceramic (mostly dishes) and fairy liquid (the cheap stuff, I'm not made of money) get close. I.e. he has not washed a single dish in the last two months that we've been living together. It's like he is retarded or something... but I know he's not, cause a retard wouldn't manage to convince his girlfriend (who had limited time in this country. Who he should be flexing the blood muscle with (interpret "blood muscle" as you will. We all know it means "penis", but could it mean "brain"?)) to do the dishes in the end. Not only do the dishes, but wash the disgusting off food from the plug hole. What can I say, the boy is a romantic. If it's out of date food, pokemon, crumpets or 99p coconut shampoo you're after, then he's your man. I know a lot of girls out there may have just been convinced by the idea of crumpets, but do let me inform you that they are also out of date.
• No paninis either...
  

ps; he uses butter in sex the puts it back in the fridge.
pps; I bought fresh butter.

This is Me in song form!

I would say I'm sorry If I thought that it would change your mind But I know that this time I've said too much Been too unkind I try to laugh about it Cover it all up with lies I try and Laugh about it Hiding the tears in my eyes 'cause boys don't cry Boys don't cry I would break down at your feet And beg forgiveness Plead with you But I know that It's too late And now there's nothing I can do So I try to laugh about it Cover it all up with lies I try to laugh about it Hiding the tears in my eyes 'cause boys don't cry I would tell you That I loved you If I thought that you would stay But I know that it's no use That you've already Gone away Misjudged your limits Pushed you too far Took you for granted I thought that you needed me more Now I would do most anything To get you back by my side But I just Keep on laughing Hiding the tears in my eyes 'cause boys don't cry Boys don't cry Boys don't cry

Ill much?

People don’t care that I am ill. I told Iain and Fiona, alleged best friends, but they don’t care.

Recently I have started dreaming every night, which I have never done before. On top of that, I have been having delusions of grandeur. I have been believing that I was invincible and could be anything or anyone. Now it has got to the point that I can’t tell the difference between my dreams and reality. The dreams consist of such mundanity as well. Talking to people about far on episodes in TV programmes, that it turns out they are only about to start watching for the first time. Speaking to people on MSN about their holidays that they have not yet been on. Finding my iPod that was missing for months, and then actually finding it in that exact place.

I’ll keep you updated.

Pre-Aberdeen

I phoned Euan today. He must have been having sex, because he sounded really exasperated and dried out, like a desert jelly fish. I decided to let him catch his breath, so phoned back a few minutes later. The nature of the phone-call was to organise going to Aberdeen on the 30th of this month. It is a friend’s birthday and she’s having a party, so a wee group of us decided to go up and celebrate with her.

I told Euan about Megabus prices, times and dates, but he said he wasn’t “willing to pay £11 for a return, if he’d have to sit next to some peewee smelling retard again”. I never knew he was still bitter about sitting next to Lisa Stott going to Edinburgh last month, but hey ho.

It was at this time that I did the honourable and noble thing and offered to drive up instead. Euan loved the idea, as he does with all of my ideas. If there is something he loves in life, it’s my driving. He loves it slightly more than he loves me, and just slightly less than he loves Aberdeen.

For some reason, that boy has an Aberdeen fetish. I have always said that the dregs who dwell in Aberdeen are “sheep fornicators” who should “have their genitals removed and given to science”, but Euan loves them. He once told me that he believes in reincarnation. He said that in his past life he was a man in Aberdeen, but he did something horrible (which I wont disclose here (he fucked his sister)) and now has to live out life as him, before he can be reincarnated again as Aberdeen. I tried explaining that that might just be all fiction, but he wasn’t standing for any of it. Poor wee blighter… gotta love his spirit, though!